unbelivable.

just like how my senior told us, it's really unbelievable how fast one sem passes just like that. and to look back and see how much you've done. thank God for seeing me through my exams. it really gets more challenging as you get higher up in education... but God never changes... and i find that i can appreciate what i study more, knowing that God's the one with all the wisdom, while man's just sometimes too easily satisfied with mere knowledge...

will be moving to tampines for next 2 weeks due to house undergoing renovation. won't have internet access there, and i won't wanna prolong my hiatus... so i'm blogging now.. finally, after almost 1 month.

doesn't really feel like a break, tho i'm ending earlier than others. you can't really do what you wanna do till you do what you gotta do. maybe i'm making a few things sound like obligations, but i feel that certain more important things, and time with people, are always being sacrificed in place of these responsibilities that i didn't even agree on to begin with. you won't even know if those people you love will be alive or available locally the next day for you to be able to spend time with them or not. some of these people, i won't even get to see more than 5 times a year. some of these people, i only get to talk to them when i'm stress-free and when they're not ill. or maybe, i'm just feeling tired after exams, writing all this. i realised through exams and stress that i'm a person who dislikes spending time unnecessarily though sometimes i can't help it.

just gonna take it as it comes, and trust God all the way. He's brought me thus far! i'm sure these are all "learning processes" like they always say. God's my guide, even when there's virtually no one else to answer my questions when i need to ask. or virtually no one i dare to approach. i guess in each planning, to make the best out of it, we gotta ask if what's more important are the programmes we plan for or the people we plan for.

Isaiah 55:8-9. may i see everything not through my eyes but through His. He sees and He knows best.

lesson learnt:

this week's harvest week for CCC, so this morning my DG went out witnessing to strangers on campus. was still quite scared before i set off with a senior, though having done street-e with YFC before... thank God, little did i expect, someone actually had the time to bother to listen to me! altogether my senior and i managed to share once to a person each... and they were both very different, but thought provoking and encouraging experiences.

my senior approached our first "target" and intro-ed herself. first impression: very cheerful "target". thank God! :) she listened all the way till halfway through the tract and she said she's a muslim. both of us were wowed by it, and a little shocked haha... she carried on to comment that the booklet/tract we shared was 'very interesting' because she can actually read the verses word for word and understand it, even though she's seen words that are similar in the Qu'ran. really caused me to thank God for His word and how we can understand what He wants to say to us just by studying it verse by verse... and we won't feel as if it's so difficult to know what God's will for us is.

second "target" was someone slacking at a table. it was quite awkward throughout the entire sharing, because i felt like she didn't want to hear it and that i had to just complete the witnessing for "the seed to be planted". the seed probably bounced off her heart and head from what i gather, because having shared with a friend who didn't want to hear before... it's tough to tell people who think their lives are fine that it isn't. you'd be insulting that friend or complete stranger... and there goes your acquaintance or casual friendship that isn't so strong to begin with.

i guess it reminds me to be intentional in witnessing. don't just witness for the sake of it. make friends, build relationships, be a constant influence and not a 5 minute tape-recorded gospel booklet. hui qi shared something new about the prodigal's son parable that i still can't forget. it's about the son's brother who complained about not having a celebration having laboured for the father all his life. he's clearly 'missed the point'... he didn't understand what was on the father's heart. sometimes in labouring so much we may actually lose focus on what God really wants, and we may even end up scrutinising others in their backslidden states as we compare ourselves to them... but what or how much do we do to reach out to the people God loves?
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will be on long hiatus after this post. so am blogging for as long as i can now... as much as i can think...

i just thank God for how this year's been so far! (usually i blog like this in december) this year's really flown so fast. (another cliche december sentence) actually it feels like 2 years squished into one. 2 main environments that i got planted in that made me feel that way actually. don't really have to elaborate... haha...

alot of things have happened this year, in terms of family, friendships, and church service. through all, i've grown quite a bit by God's grace... and things're still going to change. thank God for parents who love and pray for me. thank God for YFers who've really grown this year in terms of serving one another. thank God for jaime and jasmine and yvonne who encourage me during my tests. thank God for YAFers who set good examples for us to follow. thank God for dear nic who's been there for me since we started "pen-paling" from our different schools in jc and for the lessons we've learnt and are still learning together. thank God for wenxin who's growing daily and who never fails to encourage me through her sharing. may i always treasure and thank God for every precious person placed in my life for a purpose... :)

i sound like i'm blogging as if it's the last day of my life... haha, anyway...

learnt yesterday at precept to leave the right legacy behind.
learnt not to look ahead too much and neglect the present and past and how it affects those who already know us and observe us.
and not that we become a people pleaser (though i must admit i'm phlegmatic), but that we seek to please God in everything we do- no matter what temporary sacrifices we have to make- for the things that matter more. :)

who cares if i don't get my As? (don't answer)

as long as i've tried my best... but i'll still aim to get them la because there's one person in the world that i just cannot cannot cannot afford to disappoint. if not "activities have to cut down". ;) (nevermind if you don't get it)

i'm meeting grace and wenxin tomorrow!!!! lunch and dinner respectively. gonna lift my spirits just seeing these 2 lovely people who've changed my life in one way or another :):)

may God continue to see me through what's left of this year! am looking forward to christmas....

mum (to me and daniel): less sleep, more pimples.

me: more sleep, less As.

(mum holds back laughter and walks out)

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end of day 1, week 9.

5 mins into day 2 already. this is crazy.

praying i'll be more productive this week, by God's grace.

i wish...

... i could time-travel.
so that i can think about God more instead of worrying about not being able to...
..spend more time laughing at the dinner table with my family,
..spend more time following up on my friend who can't go to church,
..call my grandma every night before she sleeps at 9.30,
..not be bothered by school work when its not important at the moment,
..skip from home to the east or west in 30 minutes,
..see if YF will get the chalet booking in november,
..be present at 2 meetings held at the same time in 2 different rooms this saturday in church.

i feel very torn. left right up and down... stretched. tired. and very very behind everything... i can't understand e-learning lectures for nuts thanks to the pre-recorded sleepy voices of most of my lecturers... linear algebra's the worst course to have webcast on... watching 5 mins of it already killed me at the beginning. shall cram it during the weekends.

ever since i understood, i know i can't say yes to everybody but yet i don't like making people angry/upset. i feel like i can't do what i love... and i don't even know what i like to do sometimes. was talking to a friend one day in school and i don't know why my head felt so heavy all of a sudden... i couldn't focus on most of what she was saying. felt so bad but i just couldn't focus.

i've frustrated myself and my parents since young... especially during my birthdays. the question i hate to answer is: what do i really want?

over dinner table my parents and i were talking about church workplan forum for this sat... that only dad will be able to attend. anyway, the thing grace told me this year summarises what i want for my church- meaning in relationships, and purpose in service. without either, nothing will work and no one will feel burdened to help anyone in need. my mom agrees on my view or suggestion made for the forum... (not stating it here, but it's ironic.. if you get what i mean)... but she knows there's not much we can do but suggest and wait for changes. too bad i won't be able to attend... will just be with them "in spirit"...

... which reminds me of ss camp. our theme is walking in the spirit. there's still no campmaster. (and clarissa innocently asked me last sunday if the campmaster was going to be a female. quite funny.) mom didn't know how to react in a concerned manner. jokingly told my mother that i'm really "walking in the spirit" because i'm unable to be present there at meetings "in the body". laughed like crazy with her after that. okay weird joke aside, i think we really have to pray for people... and ask God for lots and lots and lots of direction.

ah, great. i just realised i did my very first homework for 2 Thessalonians wrongly. i wrote the entire chunk of words in the wrong column. this calls for creativity... here comes another late night...

i love bananas,
i know that mangoes are sweeeeett
i love papayas (wooo!)
but nothing can beat
the sweeeeett, the swwweeeeetttt
love of God!!! ~~~

that was the very first song i learnt in PL when i was sec 1. :) brings back good memories... was reminded of it while eating bananas... anyway, in random order:

1) my grandparents seem ready to kill each other... it's been like that for a while now. grandpa tells me he can't wait to die. how'm i supposed to react to that? pray for God to provide a way somehow for him to wake up from his spiritual blindness...

2) i'm meeting grace from yfc next week. sweet lady who bothered to mentor me through my laziness and bad habits since i knew her is going to have lunch with me after soooo long. it was encouraging to share what has happened in our lives just online last night (though it was on the irritating facebook chat). God has answered her prayers for me in His time. :) Praise God for mentors like her!

3) thank God i passed one midterm paper so far... though there were careless mistakes... argh... but nevermind... tutorials are getting tougher. i seem to be bringing in cleaner foolscap every tutorial...

4) thank God for e learning week! not much learning done yet but it's been good so far haha.. spent time with cyn and jas yesterday and jaime during dinner. spending time with friends really make my week :)

5) been thinking about whether i really want to go into teaching. from the day i started school till now, almost every person i've told that i'm doing math have the word "teacher" come out of their mouth before i say "i really don't know what i want to be". since young my mother's been frustrated with my 'i don't know's and even banned me once from saying it AT ALL, lest i get whacked. but this i really don't know now. my father's a marketing manager, my mother's an accountant. both math related. hmm. i wonder...

i have many dreams (teaching not being one of them, unfortunately?) that i don't tell alot of people about, and i only briefly suggested one through this blog... i really have no clue.... but i know i wanna work with people and not just things or ideas. thinking can drive me nuts, but certain things that happen in my life really somehow cause me to wonder if helping people is really what i love doing... yes it can be draining, but it can be very very rewarding. enough thinking. may i continue to be sensitive to God's voice...

6) thank God for a nice day spent with DG after meeting shu qing and nelson for a while this morning. celebrated jac's birthday!! she really encouraged me this year... that funny gal. only huiqi and i were free after that. so i spent the next 1 and a half hours serenading and entertaining her with someone else's guitar. we started singing lemon tree and other random boring songs which brought out my very unique singing voice which gave huiqi cramps just from listening to me. laugh until stomach pain, then did whatever i could for my tutorials. i completely feel like i've lost momentum.. went to class and felt so blur after getting back test, and felt worse after my TA went through tutorials.
"this is abstract stuff. but you'll get it. just copy the answer down and run through it when you get home."
thanks, man.
if it weren't for DG, today would have seemed like a wasted day...

thank God for a rather relaxing and fruitful 2 days so far this week. need to start cramming stuff into my head cuz finals are in less than 2 months...

'commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed'- prov16:3

very interesting, how God spoke this past 2 weeks...

1) during my sociology tutorial at school on world religion last week, my tutor commented during class that though every religion has a rather fixed belief and practice, how we identify a person as being a buddhist, muslim or christian lies in what a person does, and not just merely what he believes in or says he believes in. what you practise determines your identity. and quite logically, if your belief contradicts your practice, it means you have a contrary belief.

2) yesterday's devotion was on Matt 5:16. shall just type out an extract here that i found really meaningful:

"The story of Tabitha (Dorcas in Greek) is a sad one. Tabitha was a devout follower of Christ. Not much else is said about her. But this one-sentence description says alot: 'She was always doing kind things for others and helping the poor' (Acts 5:36).
Tabitha was a good person. But sadly, sometimes the good die early. Even so, it seemed so tragiv, wastefull even, that a useful, beloved, kind and untiring worker like her should die so suddenly and unexpectedly (v.37). It shows us that death can come suddenly, even in the midst of a fruitful ministry.......
Upon [Peter's] arrival, we are told that 'the room was filled with widows who were weeping and showing Peter the coats and other clothes Dorcas had made for them' (v.39)......
When you're gone, will you be missed? Will there be many people who weep for you? What testimony of good works will you leave behind? Will there be coats and other clothes to show? When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. But when you die, will the world cry as you rejoice?"
- K.T. Sim (From 'Our Daily Journey with God')

3) i think the lesson above can be applied in many ways:
- when we notice someone making a mistake, see if we are currently not making that same mistake- before we decide to correct that person...
- be prayerful about every decision to serve God. sometimes we plan to do so much but only can do... so much...
---> why? because people are watching... and though they hate to admit it, we are constantly being judged by them whether we like it or not. people in uni are more open... and i really learnt alot from what people say about christians on the religions forum. i get the "wow, they think like that of christians now?", kinda thought. people everywhere are more honest with you as you grow up... so be prepared to get shot in the foot if you don't practise well what you believe in...

what a lesson learnt.... sometimes i think we hear too much of the "be ye doers and not hearers only" verse. "be ye believers, sayers and doers too for God's glory" would be a good summary of Matt 5:16.

thank God half of this sem's finally over... just a few months back i was hoping for school to start, and as soon as it started i couldn't wait for it to end... i guess i never really decide what i really want.

anyway, thank God the dreaded days of homework deadlines are over for now... the scariest one being my religions module essay. thank God for rather good time management this week... to complete the things i needed to complete, though it was at the expense of not understanding certain tutorials because i had no time to do those not so urgent things... term break is the time to really sit down and study for midterm tests!!

really feels quite intimidating during tutorials when everyone knows something you don't. it's like, you're tuned on to a completely different frequency... this "catch no ball" kinda thing. after a while, you might just literally switch off completely. after today especially, i feel that... i desperately need to practise my stuff!!! i must thank God though for good lecture and tutorial buddies... i really still feel rather alone in general but somehow God provides at least one person who sits with me and guides me through certain (many) concepts that are just completely out of this world or at least too wide, too high, too deep for my understanding... what will i ever do without such people...

dunno what else to write cuz i'm just so tired. shall end with:
God is....
my Wisdom and He is sufficient for me.
thank God for helping me to listen to Him instead of asking too much from Him especially during this week...
okay, tuition tomorrow!
God's my Strength and Provider!!