Jeremiah 12:5

2012-03-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

we become the people we dread to become the most.

nonetheless. move on.

the never-redundant question

2012-02-26T18:15:00.001+08:00

praise God who gave me the grace to complete whatever i needed to do, finally. it's been a turbulent week, having 2 tests to prepare for and having to cope with the dreaded fevers and phlegm. this one heck of a study week is nearly over. and i don't even want to think about what's coming next.

just some thoughts i had while recuperating this week.

have you ever asked God where He is, though it seems like a redundant question?

do you ever imagine a voice after that replying, "I'm right here"?

i've had those times, where i will just wait in the silence, hoping to hear a reply. sometimes i get the feeling i should've waited longer just to be sure that i can hear Him somehow.

i think you get what i mean: it's not like you don't know He's there. it's more like you just really want Him to have a real conversation with you at that point, after you haven't heard from Him in a very long time. and you know it's your fault you haven't been listening.

times like those are often the times after we start a hiatus in conversation with God- and then we face times that we feel most let-down by situations or people, or just simply life on its very miserable own. it hits me how i don't look up very often when that happens, until the time calls for it.

why do i even have to wait for that?

does it make sense to start looking up only after having wandered laterally as far as i had wished to?

maybe in my asking God to show me where He wants me to go, i actually do know what i really want to do with my life.

i just had to look up all along.

do you remember the first time you knew that there was something God wanted you to do, and you responded saying you'll do it?

do you remember how it felt, like having refreshing water poured down upon your soul?

i've felt that before. the sync in His heart and yours for what truly matters to just you and Him is unforgettable and something that'll bother you if you don't start doing it. and you just feel like you have so much confidence in Him, that you're so sure- no matter what problems came your way, He'll find a way to see it through.

i pray i will continue looking up all the way.

watching "the activist's journey" on channel 8 brought some perspective when i was thinking about direction. i realise- we don't face a lot of real challenges in our country. the real ones are out there because the basic needs aren't even met. and the irony is in the position of the one that's making the most noise and fighting over whose rights are important. i feel so guilty.

maybe we all just need to leave our zones of torment or comfort, whether it be school or work- and just find ourselves in God again. who cares about what month it is right now to be talking about such an escape. i find this necessary, honestly. because maybe this sick world is just too full of itself.

asking God where He is, isn't a redundant question. honestly, it brought things back to perspective for me when i most needed it. He's there all the time. and He wants me to look for Him constantly.

2012-02-24T21:16:00.002+08:00

i'm officially sick of studying. sick literally, too. shall spill my thoughts and scribble on recent happenings...

thank God though that i always fall sick at the "right" time, now being the study break.

some of you may have heard about the meltdown of the community at my school because of an incident which unfortunately made its way to the papers. it's a pity that it happened, and i guess it was really a lack of sensitivity on our part as an organisation. we should have put ourselves in the shoes of others before we wrote those descriptions on the website. now, consequences may be just that we have lost credibility and trust as well as being able to meet on campus, but on another note, let me share a verse that stood out to me during the YAF vision that i went for last saturday:

"Saul was in hearty agreement with putting him to death. And on that day a great persecution began against the church in Jerusalem, and they were all scattered throughout the regions of Judea and Samaria, except the apostles." --Acts 8:1

notice the coincidental swopping of the numbers on this verse. (normally we love to use Acts 1:8 to talk about missions.)

sounds like a great persecution in my school too, and this persecution may actually turn out to be a blessing. maybe, this is one of God's reasons for allowing such persecution- to prevent christian communities from ending up becoming a "holy huddle"- which is how some people like to call it. once we get too comfortable in our communities, no matter how we organise systems and activities to make people evangelise, they'll never do it because they're comfortable with the way things are and with the people the community already has.

pictorially speaking, now that we're all scattered, aren't we all in better positions to be seed sowers where we are? isn't this more strategic than just going out once in a while and converging back to the same geometric point with nothing that's invested for the long term?

this persecution or any other persecution, i believe, should bring us all back to reality.

the reality that we are still to be salt and light.
the reality that we love God and all His people.
the reality that showing God's love doesn't mean embracing sin or compromise.
the reality that christians aren't welcome in this world.
the reality that Christ is coming again.

i was just listening to a sermon on my GTY app, and one thing preacher MacArthur said really made sense. the world we live in is really back in the times of Corinth, the time of Paul. where just because everyone practically had a sinful past and a sinful lifestyle that manifested in various manners, sin became "acceptable"- which is very similar to this era, where it is becoming UNacceptable for anyone to be UNaccepting of differences.

it's indeed scary to see how the world is changing. we can only pray for God to shield our youth from the temptations that lie in and around them, lest they get caught in the world which promises a fake sort of love- the love that can never satisfy the souls which will only continue to crave for something or Someone that they need, but are not ready to acknowledge that need...

2012-02-19T18:32:00.001+08:00

this is the medley put together by cynthia to encourage friends and missionaries doing the Lord's work. meant for WIP to sing together but we're taking a short hiatus for now. nonetheless, it was a blessed time recording this together that day!

may we all be fervent in serving Him wherever He places us!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Lyrics:
From the mountains to the valley,
From the rivers to the sea,
Every hand that reaches out,
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step till kingdom come
Every hope in every heart will
Speak what love has done

Until the whole world hears
Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
And as the day draws near
Lord teach us how to testify to Your love

For as long as i shall live,
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences
Where words are not enough
With every breath i take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as i shall live
I will testify

Oh ready yourselves,
Ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night X2

Coz i'm aliveI dont wanna die
I dont wanna waste another day or night
I know there's something more
Than what we're living for
I see it in the stars
I feel it on the shore
I know that so

Until the whole world hears
Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
And as the day draws near
Lord teach us how to testify to Your love

2012-02-12T23:28:00.003+08:00

i'm thankful to God that today 2 friends shared with me the same verse just when i needed it. His love never fails.

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.-- 2 Cor 12:9

never by my strength, only by Your grace.

thank you, Lord.

2012-02-08T21:56:00.001+08:00

going to do the book of Mark with my girls tomorrow. one of them requested, so thank God for online material that i can always extract lessons from, knowing how time consuming lesson preparations can be. praying that it'll be a meaningful less than 8 weeks of being some-kind-of-a-discipler to them, knowing i'm going to graduate very soon.

school's been pretty bleak, honestly. at the career fair i went to today, i couldn't find what i was looking for. more like i didn't know which place would be looking for a person like me. i don't regret not going for the previous career fair which had more prospective companies, partly cuz i had no choice having to go for all my lessons, and because i probably wouldn't have found anything either. simply because now, i really don't know what i want.

i'm driving myself crazy with all my brain's uncertainties. but i'll let God show me in His time. besides, i just got reminded yesterday to keep knocking, keep searching, and i'll definitely find something. i'm assured that God never withholds the good things from His children. amen?

a few more things that have happened recently constantly cause me to want to go into escape mode. thank God for a friend in crusade who could identify. hers is probably worse though, with a new perspective she got recently, after certain experiences she had elsewhere to compare with where she is now back in reality.

maybe the conclusion of the whole matter of all these shenanigans is that we should never compare, nor to expect too much. maybe don't even expect the least of things- that's if you don't want to get hurt by wherever, whomever, or whatever you put your blood, sweat, tears and time to. but that's humanly impossible, unless our brains were a block of wood or filled with coconut water.

alright, i think i'll write again when i'm less "wearied by the footmen"....

2012-02-04T23:10:00.003+08:00

anyone with an iphone or ipad, please download star walk or sky view. TOTALLY AWESOME APPs!!!!!!!

in case you're wondering if i've gone mad, i was supposed to have a star gazing session yesterday but it turned out to be more of a promotion of iphone and ipad applications. i expected more than 2 telescopes to make it to the football field. but my professor had one that looked like an ipad, placed nicely on a tripod. so, i downloaded the app, signed attendance and went home happy.

just applied for a job at a special school as Assistant Teacher. will update on the outcome. i prayed about it and i'm quite sure this is where i'm going to head., if i get it.

OH i can't wait to graduate!!!!!

okay, back to my einstein world of quantum weirdness...

"the call of God"

2012-02-01T20:24:00.003+08:00

[from utmost.org]

Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel . . . —1 Corinthians 1:17

Paul states here that the call of God is to preach the gospel. But remember what Paul means by “the gospel,” namely, the reality of redemption in our Lord Jesus Christ. We are inclined to make sanctification the goal of our preaching. Paul refers to personal experiences only by way of illustration, never as the end of the matter. We are not commissioned to preach salvation or sanctification— we are commissioned to lift up Jesus Christ (see John 12:32).

It is an injustice to say that Jesus Christ labored in redemption to make me a saint. Jesus Christ labored in redemption to redeem the whole world and to place it perfectly whole and restored before the throne of God. The fact that we can experience redemption illustrates the power of its reality, but that experience is a byproduct and not the goal of redemption. If God were human, how sick and tired He would be of the constant requests we make for our salvation and for our sanctification. We burden His energies from morning till night asking for things for ourselves or for something from which we want to be delivered! When we finally touch the underlying foundation of the reality of the gospel of God, we will never bother Him anymore with little personal complaints.

The one passion of Paul’s life was to proclaim the gospel of God. He welcomed heartbreak, disillusionment, and tribulation for only one reason— these things kept him unmovable in his devotion to the gospel of God.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

may i be committed to proclaim the gospel of God and not be overly dependent on my experience of redemption. thank God for the reminder that the world is much bigger than I.

2012-01-29T00:19:00.000+08:00

my prayed about plan after graduation!! [from gen12ii.cru.sg]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cambodia Humanitarian
Dates: 11 – 21 June
Cost: $1200

As a result of the Pol Pot regime some twenty years ago, much of the Kingdom of Cambodia is still in the process of picking up the broken pieces. ‘With Christ on the Road’, a ministry based in northwest of Cambodia (Battambang), you get to work with ten primary schools to provide physical and educational needs of the children in the villages. This ministry also supports 6 very poor families with their basic needs of food and clothes. Come and share Christ’s love in a real and practical way!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

counting down to the day of graduation!!!!!! am so happy just thinking about it..

alright, back to reality here.

thanksgiving and prayer requests for this week:

-grandpa's going for surgery on monday. pray that the doctors will be blessed with wisdom and careful hands in treating his hernia. grandpa's (not so) secretly afraid. supposed to go to grandma's place on the day of surgery to take care of grandma, as grandpa instructed.
-ability to catch up with work in school and balance the preparation time set aside for bible study and sunday school. no matter how i prioritise my items, i rebelliously never follow them.
-continued good health-- thank God for sustaining me during CNY when i started to feel funny in the throat.
-thank God for fruitful cook-outs at my friends' places. from krapao muu to shepherd's pie, i'm feeling peace and joy counting the blessings through friends that God has placed in my life. good way to start the year. and i've accomplished one new year resolution already! oh yeah!!!
-thank God for peace amidst tons of different troubles and annoyances i face. i realise how stupidly trivial these things are in the light of the glory of Christ that we should be looking forward to. i can't wait to see what God has in store for my life after i graduate. there're so many promises He's give to me i know i can count on.

would like to quote 'MY IDENTITY IN CHRIST' from the book my sis and jiaching are doing with me. i love this so much and i'm super assured through my QT today too that God loves me and that's all that really matters in life no matter what others may do or say to me.

Because of Christ's redemption,

I am a new creation of great worth.

I am deeply loved,

completely forgiven,

fully pleasing,

totally accepted by God,
and absolutely complete in Christ.

There has never been another person like me

in the history of mankind,

nor will there ever be.

God has made me an original,

one of a kind, really somebody!

amen!!! i'm really worth something to Him!!! :) and so are you, my friends!!

Look Again and Think

2012-01-28T12:26:00.002+08:00

[taken from www.utmost.org]

Do not worry about your life . . . —Matthew 6:25

A warning which needs to be repeated is that “the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches,” and the lust for other things, will choke out the life of God in us (Matthew 13:22). We are never free from the recurring waves of this invasion. If the frontline of attack is not about clothes and food, it may be about money or the lack of money; or friends or lack of friends; or the line may be drawn over difficult circumstances. It is one steady invasion, and these things will come in like a flood, unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the banner against it.

“I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . .” Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, “That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.” Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.

“Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34). How much trouble has begun to threaten you today? What kind of mean little demons have been looking into your life and saying, “What are your plans for next month— or next summer?” Jesus tells us not to worry about any of these things. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the “much more” of your heavenly Father (Matthew 6:30).

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thank God for Cynthia who's taught me, since the day I knew her, that my happiness in life doesn't have to depend on food or clothes or how much money I have left. She's unlike most people I know, living each day contented with the little but sufficient amount that God provides for her. I find that in such situations where we live on just enough to get by, our trust in God grows and reliance on Him is only ever evident. It's like how God provided food and told the Israelites not to store them, because He'll provide for them every single day.

This gave me the thought that if we keep storing things up, it makes us less reliant on God to provide for us because we think we can do a better job in keeping ourselves alive. God can definitely do better than merely keep us alive. While He's giving us a purpose to live a full life, we're here trying to find security in the storing up of earthly "necessities". So like the title of the devotional says- let's look again at our storerooms and think about what we're actually doing with our lives.

-On an unfortunate sidenote, I've misplaced 'soul cravings'. When I do find it again, I'll write about it as promised.-

generation i

2012-01-24T20:30:00.001+08:00

our generations have morphed into technology addicts. reading between the lines would tell you that we have no clue that we're even addicted. irony of this BLOG post.

the older generation come back stressed from work and get sucked into their portal to another dimension, also known as the never-ending korean/taiwan/cheesy drama serial which can continue for as long as time approaches infinity. i've checked the statistics. it's almost 4 out of 5 friends i know.

the younger generation (mine included) can't keep their hands off the touchscreens of their iphones, ipads, and anything that starts with the letter i. in my opinion, twitter would seriously naturally shut down at the rate millions of teenagers to adults pour out their inner angst and vulgarities. it's such a visual pain everytime my sister scrolls just a few centimeters down the page. and i know i wouldn't have been able to count the number of worded bombs i saw in those few seconds.

if this isn't one way we destroy ourselves and our generation gradually, then i don't know what else is. moral values have to be "re-programmed" into the current student population. now that says something, doesn't it?

the current generation's favourite solution for its problems is escapism. the faster we get out of the problem, the better. if we need to do something wrong for something that seems right, do it but don't get caught.

i feel quite ashamed to admit all this because those i'm no exception to whatever i just posted.

how now?

transformed by beholding

2012-01-23T23:12:00.003+08:00

[from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" www.utmost.org]

"We all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image..."—2 Corinthians 3:18

The greatest characteristic a Christian can exhibit is this completely unveiled openness before God, which allows that person’s life to become a mirror for others. When the Spirit fills us, we are transformed, and by beholding God we become mirrors. You can always tell when someone has been beholding the glory of the Lord, because your inner spirit senses that he mirrors the Lord’s own character. Beware of anything that would spot or tarnish that mirror in you. It is almost always something good that will stain it— something good, but not what is best.

The most important rule for us is to concentrate on keeping our lives open to God. Let everything else including work, clothes, and food be set aside. The busyness of things obscures our concentration on God. We must maintain a position of beholding Him, keeping our lives completely spiritual through and through. Let other things come and go as they will; let other people criticize us as they will; but never allow anything to obscure the life that “is hidden with Christ in God”.

"For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God."-- Colossians 3:3

Never let a hurried lifestyle disturb the relationship of abiding in Him. This is an easy thing to allow, but we must guard against it. The most difficult lesson of the Christian life is learning how to continue “beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord..."

2012-01-22T17:21:00.001+08:00

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength." -- Isaiah 26:3-4

i know my future is important.
i know you care for me
and you want the best for me.
so does He.
and i know 'this' or 'there'
isn't where i'm supposed to be.

so please,
leave me to think,
to pray
and to commit.

i've only just started praying for about a month.
i have a few months more to go.
not that i'll expire if i don't get a job.

let me choose to please Him,
unless you want me to choose
to please you and then i'll drown in regret,
and we can start the whole dreaded cycle
all over again.

God help me.

i don't wanna be a millionnaire... and it's not that bad~

2012-01-18T19:57:00.003+08:00

just got this in the school mail.

Dear Graduating Students,

You have heard that this year will be a depressing year for the economy, and this could mean less opportunity for the graduating Class of 2012. To assist our students, the Faculty is working with the NUS Career Centre (NCC) for a series of activities to help you “Jump Start” your job search efforts.

ironically, the fonts got smaller at the end of the sentence. i wonder if it were intentional, as if to represent the decrease in confidence of the uni in dispatching its graduating students into the working world.

oh well...

i'm just going to enjoy my last sem with my crazy modules, and that's that! i had enough of people asking me whether i want to do honours or why i don't want to do honours even though i meet the criteria. this has become my model answer (after what seems like a trillion times of questioning): i know i'm not into math research, and i know i want to work with people and not just numbers.

and for me, career's just "not about the money, money, money".

aggression and weird moods aside- the bottom line is, i believe God will eventually bring me to where i'm meant to be. and i do believe in taking the road less travelled. because i know i'm made to take a unique path. and there's something screaming inside of me that wants everyone else not to make me conform into a 'cookie cutter' stereotypical life of an applied math graduate (which does sound kinda boring if i have to admit).

some more important updates:

1) tutee has applied for school of choices. thank God she's keen on keeping in touch, despite the grades she didn't expect to get for the subjects she had extra help for. (in other words, she did badly.) but thank God for understanding parents, and thank God that her amazing math saved her from getting 20 and above for her L1R5. i'm still in the midst of thinking of a good christian community to integrate her in because she's interested to know more about Jesus.

2) started a bible study with jia ching and my sister. doing a book recommended by cynthia, called "the search for significance". made them write an oath of promise/pledge to keep their commitment. thank God for these 2 girls. they have grown so much over the years and i can only thank God for the progress they have been making spiritually- wanting to know God more and wanting to spend time with like-minded believers. God to be praised!

3) i planned to make myself useful in january by blessing my friends before the sem progresses and before i start going insane. one of my new year resolutions is to cook for my family at least once a month. and for each of my friends who mean alot to me- at least once in the whole year. looks like i may finish accomplishing it within the first month. 555+++

4) i spent the last 3 days thinking, crying when i had the tears to, and reflecting over and on all the annoyances, mistakes and regrets that i had about myself and what i could have done better, and sometimes what i thought others could have done better too. theme verse helped for the annoyances caused by other people. thinking about my own mistakes helped me to realise that God was the one who would always be there to catch me when i make a blunder. He would usually let me make the mistake anyway, because He knows it's how i learn best. [for your discretion: it doesn't work that way all the time- there're just some mistakes you have to decide that you don't want to make in the first place because irreversibility of that mistake may be higher.]

it's not going to be easy growing up in a church that's going to contain a generation of gradually more rebellious and educated youths (sorry young readers, it's true). i realised that the time when "the good ones" end up rebelling is when parents or mentors become overcontrolling and refuse to let them make their own mistakes. so we can either give them space now, or they'll find their own somewhere else.

5) aunty yoke lin just passed away, a few days after a blood clot was removed from the brain. it was the first case of euthanasia that i've personally come in contact with. such a controversial issue can only be dealt with at the family level and how they decide when to let the family member go. but the assurance is that, while all the legal talk is going on here on earth, the family member is enjoying the eternal glorious presence of God...

alright, that's all for today. shall rush assignments.

2012-01-15T21:21:00.000+08:00

there're those days where you feel like you're the world's biggest hypocrite.

today's that day for me.

"well done, good and faithful servant"

destiny and dignity

2012-01-11T22:11:00.002+08:00

had a short conversation with my dad at the kopitiam in SGH after visiting Aunty Yoke Lin. she had a blood clot in the head removed after a recent fall, and is now in the ICU. heartbreaking sight, and it reminded me of my little cousin phoebe when she was in the ICU back last year.

back to the conversation. we were talking about how important working life is, and how having and working a job is important in maintaining one's dignity. i noticed how a few of my friends and even my mom or relatives seem like the kind who wouldn't be able to survive if they didn't have their job, and i'm not talking in financial terms.

my mom actually believed and told us that she would get some neurological disease if she stopped working for too long. maybe dementia or Alzheimer's. but that goes to show how we're made to do work, and if we stop, it'll really kill us from the inside if we don't do anything that we find meaning and purpose in- and whether we like it or not, always are searching for something in whatever we're doing.

"This is the mystery of the human spirit, that God never intended for us to live hopeless lives. When we treat the future as something that happens to us, we become passive, apathetic, and even paralyzed.... When we embrace our unique place in creation, when we believe that God has created us to create, it begins to change everything for us. Not only our lives, but the lives of everyone we could affect for good.

To live an aimless life is to live an unfulfilling life. You're not just wired to give up on life. The best evidence that your soul craves a destiny is that when you no longer believe you were created with a purpose and for a purpose, your soul is never satisfied with the life you have. You can't get enough, make enough, or buy enough to pay it off. Your misery owns you.

To go beyond feeling, to go beyond compassion, you have to believe that it was right to act, that you were created to bring change. If Jesus was nothing else, he was an activist for change. To be a follower of Christ is to believe that everyone's life can be different. No one is defined by the status of birth. Our destiny is not limited to our pedigree. Every human being is of equal value to God."

that's one of the few things i read and agreed with when i read Erwin Raphael McManus' book 'Soul Cravings'.

the back of the booklet contains the topics that have intrigued me ever since i knew how to think.

Intimacy. 

Love.

Ambition.

Destiny.

Origin. 

Meaning.

Life.

Death. 

i'll blog about what i've learnt and a few excerpts from the little booklet whenever i can.. it's such a powerful read though it's really not thick at all. and i feel like highlighting the entire book.

gonna be a mind-boggling sem for me as i take an einstein module on quantum mechanics, a philosophy module, and a media writing module as electives on top of my 2 math modules- advanced ODE (which my friend kindly misheard for OCD) and numerical analysis. i always tend to get myself into modules like these. hahaha. love a challenge. or 5.

started reading Isaiah 2 days ago. and being the logical analyst that i am, i need to plough through the text and understand what's really going on, so hence i'm only at chapter 8. i'll update on the insights i've gotten from reading about disobedient Judah and how God treats His children justly and why we may misunderstand Him for being uncaring if we're not careful with the way we think. God is always Just. and we can never argue His wisdom and decisions based on our finite human knowledge. who are we, anyway, for someone like Jesus to die for us?

listening to the soul-wrenching soundtrack of 'End of the Spear'. the story and movie never fail to make me tear time and time again even though i do lack in tears.

greater love hath no one than this- that He would lay His life down for His friends.

like the author of 'Soul Cravings' wrote, "if you believe in love, you should- and probably would- believe in God."

Pilgrim in Chiangmai [final part with testimony]

2012-01-07T21:15:00.001+08:00

Day 10 (Christmas service)

We told stories to the children on the second day we were at Khon Kaen. Had a service in the morning. Wasn't supposed to be on that day, and certain children had to skip school because they were supposed to be performing. They shifted the day for us, which was really quite touching. Had lunch in the church after they welcomed us by tying a giant scarf around our waists, to which we were unprepared for.

Left Khon Kaen and went back to Bro Nat and Sis Pat's house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I won't elaborate on the rest of the days, because ministry sort of stopped there. I visited a few high schools in Chiangmai as Bro Nat was nice enough to bring me around, in case i do decide to teach there someday. However, language barrier and being rather uneducated about their culture; and the things the people there grow up with still remain as my disadvantage.

To end off, here's basically a more insightful testimony of the Chiangmai trip. I pray that these lessons will only continue to stay with me and make me become the person He wants me to be eventually.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I thank Godfor the chance to go for my first mission trip in 2011! It was a really meaningful2 weeks experience, and a time to build new friendships as well as strengthenold ones with the Thai friends there. I thank God for Jasmine who came with meon the first week and for the rest of the team –David, Shirlyn and Arina- thatI got to work with during the second week. Thank God for Bro Nat and family aswell for the provision of shelter, food and guidance. God was Sovereign in theentire trip and I thank God for the many lessons learnt!

In thefirst week, Jasmine and I stayed in the Payap University dormitories, hoping tomake new friends with students we’ve never met before. The initial plan was tostay with the Thai students, but due to some inconveniences, Jasmine and I wereplaced in the same room. I thought it would be challenging to relate to anystudent at first because it was during the exam period, but God provided us theopportunity to teach them English on most of the nights there. Met Mint and Aomwho would come to our room to consult us, and it was a blessed 3 days ofgetting to know them though it seemed like a really short while. The peoplethere are generally friendly. Bro Nat shared though, that the Thais generallyhave a “lower first wall” and a “higher inner wall”. We were told that Mintactually did pray with Parn to receive Christ, but when asked again she did notseem to understand her decision and still called herself a Buddhist. We also metAnisha, a Christian volunteer who teaches the students there and desires toreach out to them. It’s really heartening to know that there are youths likeP’Apple, P’Parn and Anisha who care so much for the students there, no matterhow unresponsive they seem to be to the gospel. I pray that we will be able tomeet again with Mint and Anisha and continue to keep in touch when they bothcome to Singapore in March this year 2012.

In thesecond week, Jasmine left and the rest of the team came and we did ministry inParn’s village. It was encouraging to know that Parn’s mom had received Christand I was hearted when I saw how happy she was when she showed me the biblethat Parn got for her. It was both encouraging and shaming for me to know howmuch she desires to know about God and to read His word. I was also veryinspired when I heard about how Parn changed ever since he received Christ. Icouldn’t tell that he used to dislike children when I saw him leading them ingames and songs during the Christmas party we had at his house. It also struckme how he was probably the only source of Christian influence in his village,and may be the only one that the children from his village would be in contactwith. I thank God for how strong he is in his faith and for his example inwanting to reach out to his family and his village children. I noticed an 18year old named Khuan who looked like a potential future disciple of Parn.However, he’s still not a believer even though he’s heard the gospel more than3 times. I pray that God will continue to soften the soil in the hearts of thechildren and youth there, so that a new generation of believers may begin togrow in Parn’s village.

Afterleaving Parn’s village we moved to Khon Kaen and stayed in the church for anight. I heard many encouraging stories just in one day- such as that of PastorBerm’s mom and a lady member of the Khon Kaen church. They all showed that Godis able to heal and use our weaknesses for His glory. I realized how we don’thear these sort of testimonies very often back here in Singapore, maybe becausewe tend to be really self-sufficient where we are and choose not to allow Godto work through our weaknesses if we ever admit that we have any. I pray thatwe in a more affluent country will not lose our reliance on God no matter howable we are to support ourselves.

Observingthe church service at Lighthouse, I’ve learnt also that the attacks of Satancan be subtle and can come when we least expect. Most of the youths we prayedfor were undergoing some personal struggles of their own and or have backslidedfor other reasons. Some of us may fall away from the faith intentionally orunintentionally- but all because of the lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh andthe pride of life which lure us away from what truly matters. However, I’mconvinced that the sins that constantly seek lure us away are nothing comparedto the glory in Heaven that God has prepared for those who love Him. I’mreminded by Romans 8:18- “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present timeare not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Ialso decided to commit to encouraging and praying for the Thai friends I metmore often this year and to keep in touch with them, because I realized howeasy it is to look at situations and get discouraged if we do not have fellowChristians praying with us. I pray and trust that God always takes care of Hislost sheep!

The main challengefor me in the 2 weeks in Thailand was the language barrier despite havinglearnt 2 terms worth of Thai before. I felt initially that I wouldn’t be saymuch to express my interest in the children’s lives or towards whomever thatdid not understand a word of English. But, like Arina encouraged me before thetrip, I learnt that love and care can be understood and shared beyond the levelof language. Thank God that the childrenslowly warmed up towards us and at the end of our stay, they even told us theycouldn’t bear for us to leave. I pray that their love for God and interest inknowing God’s word will only increase as the years go by, and I definitely hopeto see them again!

Life is obviouslymuch simpler in the village and in Khon Kaen, compared to back at home inSingapore. Initially I thought that people there would be more receptive to thegospel, but I was proven wrong when I found out that most of the villagers growup in Buddhist backgrounds. For most of them, to receive Christ would be todenounce the beliefs they had since they were in their childhood. I comparedthe devotion the Thais have towards Buddhism with the devotion Christians havetowards God, and I realized that it’s quite sad how we hear more of Christiansbacksliding than of Buddhists not wanting to be Buddhists anymore. Yet, lookingat Parn’s family of a few believers, it’s amazingly heartening how much theyreally love God, because God is really all they have. Back here in a morematerialistic country, it’s so easy to forget God because we have so manyalternative idols we can cling on to that give us false security. May Godcontinue to have mercy on us who have so many more distractions in life!

Going toThailand has been a good way to end the year 2011, and I returned with so muchmore to think about. I pray that I’ll live 2012 meaningfully and be a boldwitness to all who have yet to know Him! Praise God for He is good! I’ll end with the assuring verse that Bro Natshared with me…

Matt 6:33- “But seek ye first thekingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added untoyou.”

Pilgrim in Chiangmai (part 2)

2012-01-07T15:45:00.001+08:00

Day 3

Met Justin and Wei Yi who're bible college students and are really friendly people. Even though they're there on holiday, they've planned to do really random things like visit the orphanage with us the next day and to even visit the flood-affected areas to help do clean up. Talk about a vacation with a purpose! I'm hoping my grad trip would be something like that in 2013!

Found out from Mint that her family does a perfume business. She's planning to visit Singapore with Anisha who's also staying next door to us, except that she's not a student- she's a Christian Volunteer who works there and teaches English. I would consider teaching there too if the Lord leads me there. Really admire Anisha's courage to go and teach alone in a country that doesn't speak her language.

So Jasmine and I bought a couple of bottles of perfume, and who knows? Jasmine might be her future business partner someday too since she's starting a blog shop:)

Day 4

Visited an orphanage today. The children aren't very shy. I asked a little girl to sit on my lap and she did just that. Reminded me of the younger beth. They're all very sincere too and polite. Makes me wish that the Singaporean children can experience the simple life, playing with sand and enjoying nature without all of life's complexities and technology. (irony of using technology now to type this)

Justin led in games which the children really enjoyed, and we sang 有一件礼物 after jasmine explained the meaning of the song.

Day 5

Finally visited Lighthouse. It's a very beautiful building. We had prayer meeting with P'Gade and family, Bro Nat, P'Apple, P'Parn, and another family which i can't remember the names of... Though the group was small, the thanksgiving was encouraging to hear.

Day 6

Had a Christmas dinner party at P'Apple's rooftop garden. We went to invite her relatives who were staying nearby to join us for dinner. It was a good turn up, despite being unsure at first whether they would even come in the first place! Some of them commented that it was a little too early for Christmas. Felt rather useless that I couldn't speak much proper thai or understand what they were trying to say to me. But P'Apple reassured me (through a recent reply of a letter i wrote to her) that the family enjoyed the dinner and it was our presence that encouraged her that she wasn't the only christian around.

Separated from Jasmine at night at Bro Nat's home and we were off to Parn's village. Had to alternate sitting in front with P'Parn to wake up the also alternating drivers Bro Nat and P'Gade. It was a long 8 hours journey. But had the opportunity to listen and share stories with Bro Nat when it was my turn to be in front.

Bro Nat shared with me the verse that spoke to him before he decided to do mission work. Few people would do what he did- to take God's word as it is and obey.

Matthew 6:33- Seek ye first His kingdom and righteousness and all these things (life's necessities) shall be added unto you.

Day 7

Reached Parn's village and was welcomed by the chilly but refreshing weather. I loved the first sight of Parn's home when i first saw it. First day without being able to update my friends and family back home because no 3G (i used it up in the first week. :P)

Chased chickens with John while waiting for the team to arrive. Met the children from the neighbourhood. They were all drawn by the guitar i was playing randomly and electric piano that Bro Nat brought along. Taught them how to play "christmas pen weelaa" and i didn't feel like there was much of language barrier problems anymore with them :) What's awesome is... they also understood my lousy Thai!

When the team arrived, there was a sense of relief in me! We went out tracting after that in the evening and sang carols just outside the temple. Yes, just outside the temple.

Day 8 (Sunday)

Arina and I woke up earliest to help P'Parn with making breakfast. I enjoy watching Parn's mom (who's a believer) when she makes khaw niaw (sticky rice) with such skill and ease when the rice is actually super hot. I fried the veggies to the best of my ability and it turned out fine! We said grace anyway haha.

Today's the first sunday service held just at the porch of Parn's place. It was really awesome watching Bro Nat telling the children a bible story. Felt rather sad that it was not going to be a consistent thing the children will be privileged to have till God knows when. But nonetheless, i could see the hunger for bible knowledge in the children and the joy they all had in learning the story of the blind man.

Went out carolling again in the village and gave out DVDs and gifts to different people of different ages. It was encouraging that the children we befriended decided to join us as well. We had a Christmas party that night at the front porch for all the children, and we did the hands skit and a puppet show to entertain and teach them the gospel. I pray that they won't forget the Jesus we talked about. I pray that Parn will continue in this wonderful ministry in the village. He's really all they've got in terms of someone christian to look up to. I met 18 year old Khuan who's a teen who had listened to the gospel 5 times but had not made a decision yet. I pray that he will decide soon, because I could really envision him working together with Parn in reaching the village together. May God continue in the wonderful work in Parn's village.

Day 9 (19 Dec 2011)

Made breakfast again! Said our goodbyes to the children who, thank God, understood me when i asked for a group photo! Missed Nong Kaet, Lily, Poi, Toad, and more which i can't recall their names right now. Bad memory urgh...

Made it to Khon Kaen and stayed in Pastor Berm's church for the night.

(to be continued...)

Pilgrim in Chiangmai [part 1]

2011-12-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

Day 1

Flight got delayed. Got an express haircut from mom who noticed my super long fringe. Departed 10pm with Jasmine, super excited that this is our first trip together to the Land of Smiles.

Met Bro Nat at the airport. Met a family that was there for holiday too. Uncle Alfred and family were very nice to talk to, and they hopped on to the van with us as Bro Nat kindly offered to bring them to their hotel. Told them our plans to go to an orphanage that same week and they were interested to come along with us. While driving, noticed the nightlife around the city area. wasn't a pleasant sight when we passed the clubs and pubs, and Bro Nat commented that this is just part of the Sodom and Gomorrah of Chiangmai. Reached Bro Nat's home at 1am thailand time. Weather was super cooling and we couldn't wait to rest. Jas and I slept like logs.

Day 2

Bro Nat fetched us to Payap University. He told us it's the holiday cum study week period, so we wouldn't really expect to see many souls wandering around. Initial arrangement was to stay together with 2 girls, and Jas and I would be separated. However, plans changed and Jas and I had our own room, just next door to the girls we planned to befriend and assist them in their English Exams. I remember thinking about how more challenging it would be to make friends with them during this exam period, but God has His ways, and just decided to trust Him in building of new friendships with acquaintances.

Went for treasure hunt the moment we stepped into ERC. Got my new SIM card to travel around with 3G (of which i hopelessly spent all of its credits in that week, oops). Hardly used the phone to help because P'Apple came along and we exploited her tackily for directional service.

Experienced the first few moments of embarrassment in and outside Payap- consequences of my lack of practise of thai in singapore- while ordering food. Language barrier was such a pain, but over time thank God it got better. Laughed at myself almost every time the vendors give me their puzzled look- and then the look of realisation that "chan phuut phasaa thay may day" (i can't speak thai).

Devotions for today: What to do? (article from ODJ) - note: if interested in the devotional, you can find the article on the website.

Proverbs 3 (NASB. copied from www.biblegateway.com)

The Rewards of Wisdom

¹ My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
² For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
³ Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ So you will find favor and good repute
In the sight of God and man.
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
⁸ It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.
⁹ Honor the LORD from your wealth
And from the first of all your produce;

favourite verses in bold italics.

lesson from the author: I should always ask myself if i'm applying God's word to my situation and steps. Asking myself the good questions would help me identify my heart's true desires and my confidence. Make plans with conviction and without wavering no matter the circumstance.

(to be continued)

His Kingdom first

2011-12-30T13:23:00.003+08:00

thank God for a wonderful time in Chiangmai! first week was spent with Jasmine and second week was with the galilee team- David, Shirlyn and Arina. i haven't really gotten the time to sit and reflect on everything that has happened systematically, and i've had pains trying to answer questions my friends ask about what i've done and what i've learnt there. in the next few posts, i'll slowly recount the blessings and lessons as the days go by- from Day 1 all the way till Day 16. time there seemed to have passed by both slow and fast at different times, and there were moments where time just seemed to stop moving. but all in all, God allowed me to open my eyes to a bigger place that had needs that needed to be met, and problems of their own that came up in the most subtle ways. agreed with Bro Nat that 16 days is nothing compared to 365 days of what the Korean missionarys would call a "short term" mission trip.

redpants called yesterday! i'm so glad to hear from her! one thing i'm really thankful for is for how God has sustained our friendship since we were 16. she told me something that i completely agree with. yesterday was great cuz i managed to spend time with rosemary too.. God's placed different close friends in my life to be of support to me whenever i'm down and out... and redpants said that very often we just need a friend that believes in us and the things that we're doing. no matter what others may say- we stick with each other and our decisions, and keep each other close to God. though we're all at different phases, i'm so thankful for all of you... and you know who you are, especially redpants, rosemary and sugar who's now in langkawi...

going to analyse a long thick article that Bro Nat gave to me on what to do after graduation. i know i need to be especially prayerful about 2012. just filed for graduation yesterday, and i can't wait to do my very best for the final sem of my uni life. i'll be taking numerical analysis 2, advanced ordinary differential equations, gender studies, physical questions of everyday life, and intro to media writing. sounds very daunting and yet it's super exciting! mixture of everything i love to do. it's so unbelieveable that i've already gone through 2.5 years of studying in the uni that i remember my friends and i were dreaming of entering together since sec school. now, i'm only a few steps closer to the day that i step out of the convocation hall, wearing my graduation gown. time really really flies....

my personal commitment is that i'm going to keep even closer to God for this coming 2012... it's going to be a year of added commitments, with sunday school being one other responsibility, and a desire to continue discipleship in crusade and in church. sounds very very crazy now that i think about it.. but I know God will help me.. and now He reminds me that if i fail to plan, i plan to fail...

in a country that we can find so many things we love and can find so many alternative idols to put our faith in, i pray that this simple verse and song will continually ring in my head till He comes again.

i know that He will supply all my needs,
and the glory of Heaven is far greater
than the struggles that i have to put up with
on this temporary place on Earth...

Matt 6:33 - seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.

milestone

2011-12-04T00:06:00.001+08:00

counting down to sunday!!!

because this truly marks the answer to my prayer since almost 3 years ago! it'll be really great to get to know the needs of a foreign land such as thailand, and to meet new people of a language i only studied about a year ago, which i desperately need to review...

i still can't believe i'm going! and how fast time has flown since the day i remember writing in my journal that it is my desire to go somewhere and experience a different place with a different people. it'll be one experience i'll never forget, i'm most sure :)

downloading all the thai songs now to memorise and study the lyrics...

okay.. before that, sunday school camp's coming!!! i'm very thankful for the dedicated committtee members who have put in their heart and soul to the preparation of the programme. pray that the camp masters and camp comm will continue to rely on God for the upcoming 5 days! it'll be a good time of getting to know more children and youth... and i pray that we'll all take ownership of the tasks we've been assigned, and that we'll do our best for Him!

living in the end times should be one of the strongest motivations for us to live a life of gratitude to the One who has loved us and called us to salvation, and a life of meaning and purpose. there's so much that we need to do, yet we don't do them because of the many things we feel like we should do instead to live a life that's of a certain face value to the world.

just read a quote on a friend's facebook. "We are only what we are in the dark; all the rest is reputation. What God looks at is what we are in the dark—the imaginations of our minds; the thoughts of our heart; the habits of our bodies; these are the things that mark us in God’s sight." (The Love of God—The Ministry of the Unnoticed, 669 L)

it is good to remember that we reveal our true selves when no one is looking. and the choice is ours to continue or not, and this will determine how much God really means to us.

till i update on the camp and trip, adios readers!

2011-11-29T16:49:00.001+08:00

2011-11-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

thought i'd end off today with a closing post to the previous.

but now that exams are over, i honestly don't know how to feel.

i thought only my brain would feel numb, but i guess not.

oh the shenanigans of life. when shall they be over....

no, i must remind myself by asking....

"shall i race against mere men, or horses?"

looks like i found the theme verse for 2012.

spiritual doormat

2011-11-28T08:42:00.001+08:00

i can't believe i'm blogging on my laptop on the last day of my exams! 4 more hours to go before the dreaded paper. all the integrals have been driving me crazy, but thank God for the devotionals in the past week that have kept me sane, and are just so aptly useful with all the shenanigans that have been happening during this already stressful period.

my sis just returned from aus yesterday, and boy did she have a ball of a time. i'm glad she's back now, and that she hinted that she really missed us amidst leading the other childish and uncooperatively aussie-guy-drooling sec 3 cohort, hehehe. she, like my friends who're overseas, told me the one thing that i've heard so many times- "when i was there, i really thought, i'm missing out on so much in life while back in singapore man." apparently singaporeans don't seem to appreciate life as much as the people overseas. or at least we seem to find it hard. perhaps cuz singapore's constantly in that phase of being in an identity crisis, and likewise its people have no idea where they're headed, just going through the daily motions and pursuing an end of nothingness. i realised how uninspired and lifeless our people are. i see it often in myself. and as if getting inspired were such an achievement, the inspiration doesn't last very long- and we find that we give up very easily and fall back into square one. it's like a flame on a wick that burns out before it reaches less than half of its candle body length. i won't blame it on the older generation. because they probably didn't know who else to look up to and get inspired by in the first place.

i've told countless people that i have no idea what i want to do with my life after my imminent graduation. i told my best friend that i started praying about it last week, and she'd encouraged me to do so too. today's QT really spoke and i strongly believe i want to do something that has to do with seeking justice for the oppressed. sounds rather general, and rather noble. but that's all for clues that i have now as to what i really would find as a meaningful career. though the answer of where i should ultimately end up will not come immediately, and like my friend said- it's never going to be easy especially when satan's just around the corner to stop us from being where God wants us to be- i know that where He wants me to be is the best place for me, whether i may like it initially or not. mom told me that work's never easy because there's politics where there's people, and talking to friends who've gone out to the workforce have also caused me to fear slightly about not knowing what to expect.

i'll keep praying while i apply for jobs starting next year, and we'll see where God'll slowly lead me in this very short life on earth! friends reading this, please do pray for me too! would very much appreciate it :)

gonna end with this verse that has been one of the strongholds from God that spoke powerfully just a week ago:

“If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumblein safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?" --Jer 12:5

this was a devotional on verbal abuse and generally on dealing with difficult people. something that i once thought i was a victim of, until i realised i started becoming the exact same person i despised and never wanted to be. tables turned subtly and soon i became the perpetrator (harshly put) without realising till much later. we're all on a road of recovery from whatever nonsense sin we struggle with, that's if we realise what sin it is. and sometimes, other people hurt us because they're struggling with something too. anger's been one that i have often been faced with. but we never stopped to realise that we're also a potential cause for hurt, because we often only look at ourselves as victims and sometimes we complain like Jeremiah about how people treat us unfairly.

i like how God answered Jeremiah with an unaccusing question. it shows that God still believes in how we can be used in different areas -family, friendships, ministry, work- for His glory, as long as we choose not to get stumbled by "mere men". it's real difficult not to be tired, and God permits us to complain to Him when we need to. but how long can our flame for Him really last, and how long are we determined for it to last anyway? at the end of the day, it's always what's done for Him that matters, and not how people look at us or seemingly persecute us for the mere mistakes or petty problems. those were never supposed to matter, as long as we took ownership of whatever we had, and did all with the best of our abilities. God is Judge and will also bring justice to those who have been treated unjustly. while we do our best, we need to realise we're imperfect as well. and that's where forgiveness comes in. from this, i guess i gotta start learning to be a forgiving spiritual doormat.

God help us!

happiness is....

2011-11-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

to know i am blessed... and i'm lost for words, just thinking back on the many things that God has allowed to happen in my life. nothing ever happened by accident, but all by His wonderful design. who i am today is nothing without who He is in my life.

thank God for the many friends that day that came down to celebrate with me. initially i was very nervous, having never been the center of attention of so many people before... but it turned out to be a pretty comfortable celebration because it was held in my own home. used to do special items with my siblings for my parents to surprise them when they got home. that day, my family plus my second family from galilee church lovingly did that for me. thank God for my close friends cynthia, jaime and jasmine for the many ways they have showed love and care to me. i wish i could hug you all again just typing this down... i'm so so grateful for everything, and i think i have accumulated enough happiness energy to last me till God knows when.

God has been good to me these past 21 years. and i cannot thank Him more for what He has done in my life. till i see Him face to face, i'll give Him whatever it takes from my being, and do so gratefully for His kingdom! to God be the glory! :)

dreaded systems... be gone!

2011-10-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

(taken from Oswald Chambers- my utmost for His highest)

Jesus answered, "My kingdom is not of this world —John 18:36

The great enemy of the Lord Jesus Christ today is the idea of practical work that has no basis in the New Testament but comes from the systems of the world. This work insists upon endless energy and activities, but no private life with God. The emphasis is put on the wrong thing. Jesus said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation . . . . For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:20-21). It is a hidden, obscure thing. An active Christian worker too often lives to be seen by others, while it is the innermost, personal area that reveals the power of a person’s life.

We must get rid of the plague of the spirit of this religious age in which we live. In our Lord’s life there was none of the pressure and the rushing of tremendous activity that we regard so highly today, and a disciple is to be like His Master. The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others.

It is not the practical activities that are the strength of this Bible Training College— its entire strength lies in the fact that here you are immersed in the truths of God to soak in them before Him. You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress and strain is going to be placed on you either at home or abroad. And if you waste your time in overactivity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God’s redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come. But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.

too grateful for words

2011-10-29T23:36:00.002+08:00

2011-10-16T18:57:00.002+08:00

this brings alot of things back into perspective...

it's sad that not alot of people know what they're living for. and they certainly wouldn't know what they would die for. some wouldn't even wonder until they hit rock bottom. let's not wait till then.

looking back 21 years, i'm pretty thankful for everything He's allowed to happen in my life. things are about to get a little harder as you get older. but nothing's too hard for Him. and we never stop being His instruments until we get totally wasted away, gone with the seasonal wind.

hope this one encourages you, my reader, to find Him- either for the first time or once again, to be the only One so real and special in your life.

till i scribble again, this shall be a start of a hiatus.

2011-10-15T18:49:00.002+08:00

finally done with my project! above is the picture to be placed in my group report... of course minus the little editing i did to protect the identity of my group members over here.

love it that i meet new people every sem and do such funny things with them, like taking a photo in front of a construction site.

alrighto, one project down, and i'm back to my first real academic love...

2011-10-14T22:05:00.001+08:00

excuses (not to share the gospel in chinese) that backfires.

"我不会讲华语"
oops.

"我只会讲这一句"
oops.

was doing witnessing today again with a new friend adeline. and the 3rd person we talked to today was the most interesting spiritual conversation i had in my entire school life. it was the longest, most brain draining, with the most educationally exposing content i had ever encountered. she's not an undergraduate, and therefore a very deep thinker. i even found myself wanting to agree with her on some points, but at the end, i'm even more convinced that faith is all i need, and it's just sad that sometimes it seems that people know too much for their own good, and that ironically becomes the barrier for truly just being willing to accept God's logical love which is illogical to all human.

i have to say that sadly, this is the second time in witnessing that i've encountered a non-believer telling me that their other half is a believer. words cannot describe my desire to (preferably verbally though i would like to, physically) hammer the other guy for compromising the faith, and worse- for convincing and encouraging their non-believer girlfriend to conclude that even christians like to walk on both sides of the road. it's just so sad.

i like it though, that she described, near the end of our half an hour conversation, that death is just another stage of life. it's just like growing up, getting a job, getting married. death is just another stage. and she added that what comes after does not need to govern how we live our lives now... with the cliche of "what matters more is the journey and not the end".

at least for me, and i won't generalise for all christians, i feel that it's because the journey matters so much to me, that i don't want to waste my time living it in vain. especially when i know that whatever i do will never truly bring me anywhere but round in circles as long as i'm living by my own efforts and wants and desires. i need and want out from this circle. but there is no I. (and over here i sound like a buddhist.)

because i cannot do anything.
i can't do good on my own.
i can't control when i die.
i didn't choose to be born.

and yet, i was created by Him for a reason.

God's provided for me all this while, and given me opportunities in life to know Him.

oh man i think the sem's project and work and all that witnessing is really messing with my head. clearly need more sleep or i'll really start talking in complex spirals and contours...

need to pray for the youths in our church to be willing to be vulnerable and adventurous for this upcoming sunday school camp. it's going to be a different ride. God help us!

2011-10-13T22:53:00.000+08:00

had a discussion today during discipleship comm meeting. and something a friend said led to this thought:

how can anyone tell if they love God?
my answer would be to ask yourself what are the things you cannot live without. guess from your answers it'd be pretty straight forward.

currently preparing for the things of december (camp and trip) before the more dreaded things of november (exams). somehow i feel like it's inevitable that my priorities get ordered real weird and topsy turvy every year.

keep going, keep going...

true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report.... THINK on these things....

2011-10-10T19:15:00.004+08:00

got back a midterm paper today. and whoh. okay, that's all i wanna say.

i'm no longer harbouring (or at least i'm trying not to) the same complaining spirit i used to have at each mark that i lost. not that i don't care, don't get me wrong, i still love my complex numbers. i just need to spend a little more time with this little module. and the others too...

time to chiong 2 of my projects. thank God, i've fully recovered!

currently meditating on this:

Isa 26:3- "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

feelings and words

2011-10-09T22:16:00.001+08:00

it has totally come to my attention that closed minded people who open their mouths first are also the very people who get away with it while leaving people victimised by their judgmental daggers of words. just had 2 incidents that i got to know about. i'm just totally baffled and saddened by this whole insanity that's going on.

sometimes i just really wish justice upon these people, but God is Judge ultimately. and come to think of it, i should say the same cold words for myself to hear, being just as closed minded and cold blooded a human sometimes as well. sigh. God help us.

today's sunday message really got me thinking if i'm sensitive enough to know what God is feeling towards His people. or if i'm so stuck-up that i'm completely wall-ed around by my selfish desires that i forget that i'm not the only human being to be fed on the planet.

do i know what God hates and what He loves? do i feel the same towards these said things?

the passage was from John 11:30-44, one story familiar to me, but i was given a whole new perspective when preacher John Grauley expounded on it today.

-as we get to know a friend, we begin to know what is in that person's heart. the same way as we get to know Jesus as a friend. we would naturally know what He's feeling in His heart.

-How can we know the heart of Jesus? -- best way is the word of God.

-v33-- Jesus was deeply moved, troubled, angry and mad... He was angry at what sin does to people. these were the tide of emotions He felt then and there.

-v35-- He didn't just shed a tear. He burst out in tears.

-2 quotes that i found extremely meaningful and true... and continues to affirm some emotions that i do feel sometimes:

+ Grief and compassion without outrage is mere sentiment.

+ Outrage without grief can harden into self-righteous arrogance.

-Jesus' raising of Lazarus represented Jesus' conquest against death and hell. He was the conqueror on our behalf and he fought on our behalf. He is our warrior.

-Lazarus' tomb was reaking of a bad smell when the stone was rolled away // Sin reaks of a bad smell. Jesus only reveals sin so that He can remove it.

-Jesus prayed // to demonstrate His reliance on God to those who were watching Him

-Jesus called Lazarus to life // Jesus has called all of us to life.

-Jesus asks to remove Lazarus' graveclothes // we need to remove our graveclothes or things associated with death in our lives, in order to walk properly in a life that is pleasing to Him.

i probably haven't seen much in my almost 21 years of life. but through listening to friends and family, or even strangers who testify, the christian life is indeed one that is constantly a struggle to pull through. it's tough to put away our graveclothes. but i know of friends who are constantly persevering and i know of people who have gone away completely different from the lives they used to live because of Him who has died for us all.

people may say we're stupid to believe in something or someone we can't see. but that's what simple faith is. and that's what great love is. what they don't understand is how anyone such as Jesus would come and die for people who didn't deserve to be saved. and we'll never be able to rationalise such an act of love as long as we're human.

it's time for us not to be selfish. not to just feel those feelings Jesus felt and not act upon them. lest they be mere sentiment, and lest they be felt in vain. at the end it's always what we do that matters. not what's been said. because there's only so much words can do- tear down or build up.

i pray for my friends that they won't be discouraged by unnecessary comments made by people who don't know them as well as God does. it's sad that it seems to be happening in places and times that you just don't want it to happen. i used to tell myself that it's not what they think that matters, but what He thinks that ultimately does. He'll always be our warrior to protect and back us up when we need it. move on, my friends.

2011-10-07T16:50:00.001+08:00

where did the week go?! this always happens when you're on some sort of 'break'. it always comes to an end before you know it!

was just looking at all my midterm paper solutions and wondering how on earth i could have missed certain things despite feeling rather okay after each paper. thank God i'm not that much of a perfectionist. could have gone quite insane trying to get every single thing correct. math in uni is no longer like math in jc or secondary school. i used to have my classmates wanting to clobber me for aceing math. tables have turned. now, i do feel like clobbering my lecturers. but i shall not promote animosity here...

was clearing some emails in my school account and there's this suicide prevention day that's promoted in school. it's a complete rhetorical question to ask why on earth we need such on thing in singapore. total visual irony we have in my uni at least- the CPS (counselling and psychological services) right smack in the middle of taller buildings with graduates and undergraduates alike, competing and trying to pursue something that's much greater than a human brain can hold, not for the good of human kind most of the time, but very often for self... it could well be a school in a country lack of people-loving people. why do people go crazy and desire to die alone in such an affluent and promising country like ours? because at the end of the day i think people look for care and love, and find the future bleak if they never find it anywhere in their lifetime. and say if they do find it, they'd keep it to themselves.

such was the response of one of my crusade seniors who shocked me with her response to the ideal of evangelism in crusade. "if i had a million bucks and had to give it out to everyone, i wouldn't do it. i mean, think about it. who would share a good thing?" and the speaker happily ignored it thinking she was probably being obnoxious. i thought it should have and could have been addressed. because for all you know, the rest of us might not be thinking that exact same way but we do act in that manner towards all people around us every single day.

the gospel isn't supposed to be worth a million bucks to us, so much so that we choose not to 'share' any part of it. it was given free to us as a gift of love. and if we choose to keep it to ourselves, then the whole christian movement is gone to naught. it wasn't a message meant for certain individuals, but one meant for the whole of humanity. i remember just being exasperated, disappointed and befuddled by the whole response because i couldn't believe what i heard... but that being said, let us be wary of how we live our lives. we don't stay in one place forever. so don't live like we're meant to die in our school or workplace. let's be scattered and used wherever and whenever.

"....Freely you have received; freely give."-- Matt 10:8

2011-10-06T10:09:00.002+08:00

my poor sis has been waking up early and sleeping late every night since last week thanks to her EOY exams. totally forgot what it felt like to be studying 8 subjects and having them tested consecutively, sometimes even having up to 3 papers a day. the crazy things the education system does to your head...

thank God for a good e-learning week so far! still much to catch up on, and the things of the next few weeks somehow seem less bleak thanks to having lots more rest that i wouldn't get on a typical week. makes me tempted to skip lectures. wahaha...

woke up to the buzz of my phone and got a shock when the news popped that Steve Jobs, the former CEO and co-founder of Apple has passed away. totally shocking because of how young he is. not so, when you read about the various health issues he had been struggling with. looks like he's one of the important people of the world who may have compromised their health, or had no choice with what they could do with it, while pursuing their dreams. God has His reason for giving and taking a life at His own time. (Ecc 3)

i guess we should all learn to personally strike a balance between work and leisure. i wonder how his family life is like, and perhaps i should read his biography to find out. what the world sees doesn't ultimately define the impact such a person as Steve Jobs has created in his life. what's more important is his closer social circle. the ones who would mean more to him, and what he's done for them and how he's loved them too.

gonna eat my second breakfast now. mom has this funny tendency to make breakfast on impulse, hence by surprise, and i'm loving it!

what seems like a million and one

2011-10-05T15:11:00.002+08:00

after having gone through almost 2 weeks of gruelling studying for midterms, you'd think it's gonna be a nicer bed of roses now. please...

now i've a completely untouched pile of what's a mix of fresh homework and decomposing projects waiting for me to save. yikes!

anyway, thank God for yesterday's meet up with a friend of mine that used to study thai 2 with me. he didn't know i stalked him enough on facebook to find out that he goes on thailand mission trips. haha. so i got in contact with him, and he passed me a whole lot of sheer awesome material that i myself need to decipher (my language skills are barely 2 out of 6) but am dying to start on.

thank God also for teaching me a lesson on walking under the rain twice in the week. thank God for being gracious enough not to let me come down with the most dreaded and body-paralysing fever which is the worst that could happen in any week that i have school. God is very very good!

alright, time to work on my countless ~~problems~~ projects.

2011-10-03T15:41:00.003+08:00

the key's really not to think that we know it all already.

i personally find that the more i understand something, the lesser i should think i actually already know...

let's be open minded. and even if we know we're pretty close minded, at least let's not be the first to open our mouths.

2011-10-03T14:36:00.004+08:00

(continuation of 'chosen by God')

what's foresight?

it's a doctrine that man wants to believe in- by making God look unfair by making God look like He has "foresight" to whatever He knows we will do- we want to have some part to play in our salvation.

foreknowledge actually means a prognosis.
-predetermined relationship, a deliberate choice.
-planned before, and now bringing to reality.

Jer 1:5- i predetermined a relationship with you
Isa 49:1- everything that happened before we were born
Exo 33- we are known by name
Matt 7:23- i never knew you = i never had a predetermined relationship with you
John 10:14- Good Shepherd. our relationship with Him is bound by a predetermined choice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) this week's e-learning week, which is good, cuz that means i can afford to write more. the downside's the dreaded projects and assignments that i have to keep up with, and the lecturer's voices that i have to hear continuously for 2 hours in each module. such brain-squeezing craziness never stops.

2) thank God for a crazy previous week of tests. i never studied so hard in 2 weeks before. one of my lecturers even went through the paper immediately after the test. out of the many sitting in the lecture theatre i was one of the few that had my head in my hands for half the questions when he revealed the answers. it could have been worse if i didn't study as hard as i determined to, and for now, results are up to God!

3) had an opportunity to reach out to my tutee on saturday night. she suddenly asked me a bunch of random questions (after the more academic ones) that led to her sharing one of her dramatic life experiences that just left me wondering what i said before that made her open up so much. it's really hard to tell who God allows you to reach out to, and who in the world actually trusts you at any moment. and for this, i really thank Him. i'd be really glad if i'm of more use to her rather than just being her science/math tutor. i didn't even bring up the topic on God while she was talking about her struggles- she did. and while sharing on my side who God is and what forgiveness means, i could tell that she wanted to learn forgiveness too. and because of that, she wants to know who my God is as well. God-willing, i'll be going through 'the story of hope' with her in the next few lessons. that night we ended lesson 2 hours later than we were supposed to, but it was really worth the time. the whole thing really felt like a dream!

4) looking forward to my year end mission trip to thailand. will be meeting up with a friend from my thai 2 class tomorrow to get some ideas from him on how to reach out to children. he's got a few cool materials, from what i know, and i just can't wait to learn them when i meet him tomorrow! much excitement comes with uncertainty, i feel. we really don't know what to expect there, and are told to learn to adapt. i can't wait to see what God has in store for us when we get there!

simple trust

2011-09-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

a person with a characteristic that's hard to come by is one that is persevering even through what seems like a hopeless situation. the one that exemplifies this best is my aunty wendy, who's been taking care of my cousin phoebe for as long as phoebe's entire life, while my uncle works as a pilot and supports their family. for as long as about 5 years, i think, phoebe's been bedridden, unable to walk or talk, often experiencing spasms and is fed through a tube.

right now, phoebe's in the ICU and has been since 1am. my aunty and uncle have been at the hospital since then, and haven't slept. i remember the last time i was at their house to tutor their second son, they had a monitor in the living room where they could see what was going on in the room where phoebe's in. my aunty will constantly be in tune to the slightest cry she makes, though having slept on average 4-5 hours every night- and her sleep would often be interrupted. each time i came by, her face looked even more exhausted than the previous week. about 2 years have passed since then, and when i called her just now, she told me what she had told me 2 years ago when i ask how phoebe is doing-- 'keep praying for her'.

back at their house, they put a tv and a radio beside phoebe's special bed. playing christian music, and watching sermons together, i think these activities were enough to keep my aunty going as she goes about her daily routine. she never once complained about having to take care of her daughter, and thankfully my other 2 cousins are old enough to take care of themselves. my uncle always greets phoebe with that endearing sweet 'hello darling' that, though not longer receives a full smile for a response, never fails to lighten up the mood in her room when they catch her lips twitch the slightest bit.

we'll never be able to know why God allowed all this to happen to 16 year old phoebe. but through this ordeal that He allowed, i see how such situations motion us to draw ourselves even closer to Him- and it really just shows that there's nothing we are in control of.

yet there's nothing quite like being able to simply trust in Jesus, and that is all we can and should do.

self-worth

2011-09-20T23:45:00.003+08:00

before you know it, it's the recess week. and i haven't updated on the previous sermon, but will do this probably the week after. just feel rather compelled to type down something tonight before i sleep.

i don't know about whether this is what the majority feels, but i feel that alot of an individual's self-worth is being measured by what they are able to do rather than what they want to do. because no asian parent in the right mind would tell his or her child to follow their dreams, especially if their dreams don't require the necessary performance that makes life seem like an endless competition.

so far, i don't know of any parent close to believing in something like that. and like my physics friend in lecture told me, the joy of learning is defeated when most of it is forced ultimately for an intended long term purpose (normally hidden from the child or explained only when older) - financial security.

i know this is crudely put, but it makes me wonder if sometimes parents are actually being selfish by expecting their children to get not just a job but a super well-paying one, just so that they have double insurance. not that children should abandon them (that's the other extreme), but are parents putting too much pressure on their children? asian ones to be particular?

i've had my personal experiences regarding expectations that don't have to be spelt out to those who can identify. but honestly, if there's no healthy balance between what we are able to do and what we actually love to do, then what's the point of working our lives away through something you hardly enjoy, just to "survive", so to speak? we're not surviving. we're going for luxury in a place like ours here in a developing Singapore, and if we don't attain it, it of course seems like mere "survival".

my grandma loved her job. my tuition teacher loves her job. my close friend too. that's what makes them do it well, no matter the remuneration. please don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. the misery is contagious.

when you ask a singaporean parent what's good about their child, most will first tell you which school/company they're from or even start harping about their latest qualifications and achievements. nothing else really comes after. hm, i wonder what that says. i've been in the position of the child, but please don't judge my parents... cuz that's the way most parents have been taught to think, no thanks to the strangling educational system in none other country than ours.

what else is a person's worth based on? COME ON. stop rewarding people merely for their academic excellence, and putting down paths leading to a certain "success" you have pre-defined for them. success means different things to different people. but now, we're all hegemonically taught to think of it in terms of material gain. that's why singagaporeans are one of the most selfish lot in the world. it's all about "what will i get out of this?" - and as a result you have lesser entrepreneurs because no one in the right mind would be willing to take risks for something that doesn't have any monetary guarantee. and to think that one that has to be taught compassion and courtesy even when it comes public transport. it's just embarrassing when i see and hear how foreigners look at our courtesy posters on the buses or trains and mock them. it's like we're robots having to be programmed even to show some basic respect and courtesy for the elderly.

alright, i'll cut to the chase- i'm just so sick of life being a contest. loosen all the expectations, and gimme a break.

Matt 6:33-- "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

whatever happened to this?

Going with the runs?

2011-09-16T18:11:00.001+08:00

If you were to ask me point-blank how satisfied i am with my life right now, i wouldn't tell you that im absolutely happy- yet im most contented and i would think i'm quite ready to die anytime. I couldn't understand how just 5 years ago i heard my mentor saying something close to that, and i remember myself just staring blankly at her in bewilderment.

Did witnessing today on campus (2nd time in 2 wks! Totally went against my will's heavy inertia, but yay we did it!), and it was quite a tragic realisation i came to. Talked to a christian girl and another a non-christian. Here are their actual responses to the 3 questions we asked:

1) how does your life look like now?

Christian: (after long hesitation) Life's a mixture of different aspects.
Non-christian: Life's busy.

2) what do you want your life to look like?

Christian: To be more peaceful, because now there's alot of school things going on.
Non-christian: To be one where there's nothing to worry about.

3) what is your idea of God?

Christian: He's a Father who's always there to guide His children
Non-christian: Don't know.

After a while, my witnessing partner and i sensed an extra 'don't care' behind the n-c's 3rd response. But we shared the gospel anyway, despite having read her uncomfortable smiles when we tried to have a spiritual conversation which she said she "didn't mind" having.

It's true that i sometimes feel like the christian. Times where we just feel like we need to be busy so we can block out everything else in the world, just so we can snuggle with our textbooks and earn the future (financial) security we wish to find in our human competence, rather than in healthy (or what may even be perceived to be inane) activities that don't guarantee much practical use of our time. Do we shut away people that need our time, care and affection? Especially family?

It's just quite sad to know that christians and non-christians may be in the same club, going with the runs, and still be unsatisfied with their lives. As a student i ask plainly to myself all the time, why'm i studying for? If there's no difference in the life im living compared to a non-believer, then what sort of a christian alien am i, really?

Shared with my witnessing partner today that sometimes i really wished something bad would happen so that all we studious nerds would wake up and see that this is so not all there is to life.

Me: i dream of the day i can go somewhere and tell the gospel to people who arent so distracted and know they need God.

Friend: i dream of the day that this is that somewhere.

2011-09-16T13:20:00.002+08:00

currently working quite single handedly on a project. after a while you get used to the DIY situation in projects such as this. good thing about it is that i learn the most by doing most of the work. fighting this plus the 4 mid term tests that i'm expecting in less than 2 weeks. God help me...

thought i'd take a break by sharing what i learnt on the doctrine of election while on the train. asked certain confusing questions as a younger teen before, but i guess i never dared to ask anyone. questions like, if God knew me before the foundation of the world, then does that mean i have no free will to decide who or what i want to believe in? at the end of the day, don't i make the choice? i'm glad that now things are so much clearer to me! hope you can catch what the essence is from how i write my notes.

MacArthur audio sermon:

chosen by God (part 2)

We are His witnesses.
BUT:
There has been a rampant tendency of Christians becoming ingrown.
He used a 'seed in a basket' analogy: seeds in a basket are not where they should be. Like these seeds, we are meant to be scattered. Only when these seeds are scattered will they eventually start to wave wheat.

Think of our conditions as aliens, and don't expect natives to treat us the same way as others.
We desire a far better place that's our real home.

We are not here to merely exist.
We are here to witness.
We are meant to be scattered.
Yet, there is a constant pull inward.

The Source of our Election:

1 Peter 1:2² according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, by the sanctifying work of the Spirit, ^[a]to obey Jesus Christ and be sprinkled with His blood: May grace and peace ^[b]be yours in the fullest measure.

Recall: He made the choice to save us. Independently of any person or circumstance.

Romans 11:5
⁵ In the same way then, there has also come to be at the present time a remnant according to God’s ^[a]gracious choice

Eph 1:4
⁴ just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before ^[a]Him, in love

Dan 4:35
³⁵ “All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
But He does according to His will in the host of heaven
And among the inhabitants of earth;
And no one can ^[a]ward off His hand
Or say to Him, ‘What have You done?’

Foreknowledge=Foresight?
NO. even though we want to believe it.

because it shows that man wants to play a part in his salvation, and man wants to make God seem unfair.
truth is, if we want God to play fair by our standards, we would go to hell because we're not perfect.

If we choose to believe in the above equation, then it shows that man is sovereign when he is not.
and it will show that man has credit of salvation.
"i'm so glad i had the sense to choose to believe in Christ"-- there's no such thing because we never had the sense to do it!
We make God a victim of man's choice, when He is not. (Isa46:9)
Remember that God sought me first, and not the other way around.
Believing based on my human ability is a human work. and it's a work of human faith, when that faith is supposed to come from God.

So what is foreknowledge?

(will continue after my nap.)

where blue=happy

2011-09-15T21:54:00.004+08:00

numbering off in no order...

1) my tutee has been very entertaining these past few sessions with her. yesterday she told me that the colour blue represents happiness for her. told her it's the contrary without cough-laughing too loudly. she has this innocence in her that i don't know whether to laugh or cry about. i told her not to guess meanings during the actual exams and to play safe lest her innocent wordplay gives the examiner quite a different scary perspective.

2) the number 4 has been appearing pretty often nowadays. first Phil 4, then today James 4. and during lecture, the '4 colours theorem' (totally got my attention, that one). now i'm thinking how retarded it is to have lottery for single digit numbers...

3) alright, anyway. today's QT was one of those slap-in-the-face devotionals that caught my attention in the morning. (btw i'm using ODJ- our daily journey. find it very apt for myself though there is no particular sequence of scripture the writers follow. highly recommend it to youths who can't sit down and study the bible in chrono order.)

(i actually just caught the wordplay that was in today's devotional title: "Oh well". brains not moving as fast as they should..)

Gen 26:12-25 is on how Isaac graciously chose to move on despite being often faced with conflict which had to do with where he dug his well.

how true it is, that we find it difficult to know when to fight and when to move on. Jesus was a man of peace, and He willingly sacrificed His life for us. went and led like a lamb to the slaughter, and yet He did not open His mouth. (Isaiah 53:7-8)

Luke 6:27-36 (NASB)

---²⁷ “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who ^[a]mistreat you.
²⁹ Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your ^[b]coat, do not withhold your ^[c]shirt from him either. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. ³¹ ^[d]Treat others the same way you want ^[e]them to treat you.
³² If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
³³ If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
³⁴ If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. ³⁵ But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, ^[f]expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. ³⁶ ^[g]Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Isaac kept moving till the 3rd time, he finally found water and peace. i think about the number of times i'm willing to be gracious and just let things go despite feeling like "i don't deserve this", and i'm ashamed at how sometimes i'm doing things at the expense of the convenience of others, and for the benefit of self. used to find the above passage one that was so meaningful and "too holy" and unbelieveable for myself to practise.

at 16, i remember sis charissa telling me to love those who persecute me and to pray for them, and then after that telling me how crazy this sounds but that it's worth doing. never understood till i actually tried praying for a friend i used to find very irritating. funny thing was that after that, we became closer friends. it's not just about "closing one eye". it's really about loving the person no matter how loathsome they can get, or how much they get on our nerves. human strength will never be able to accomplish such a feat. it's love, people. love and don't expect anything in return. i honestly feel that God's peace just comes like that - when you don't expect so much from others. because once we don't get what we want in return, we turn into the ugly 'me' monsters that we never knew ourselves to be.

a passage like the one next couldn't make better or louder sense:

James 4:1-6 (NASB)
Things to Avoid

¹ ^[a]What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? ^[b]Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? ² You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. ³ You ask and do not receive, because you ask ^[c]with wrong motives, so that you may spend it ^[d]on your pleasures. ⁴ You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. ⁵ Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: “^[e]He ^[f]jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us”?
⁶ But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.”

this was the most powerful passage that spoke to me like gunfire at 8am. why? because i've been plagued with much inner conflict and outer conflict recently. being a rather bad peacemaker, i normally choose to avoid such things and "let it be"-- till time flies faster or till i get numb and forget eventually. hard to admit that such conflicts originate or perpetuate from the very heart of the person i love the most- me.

sooner or later in our pilgrim journey, we have to realise that taking ownership of our service in Christ or all the other glorious ways in which we love God also requires a certain amount of humility towards Him and to others (one which we tend to forget), realising that we are not infallible, and prone to sin as much as everyone else.

i remember wronging a brother once. and when we met up to clear the misunderstanding, i still recall clearly that he said "i would never have done such a thing." not knowing how to respond, i think i gave a weird sheepish smirk of sorts. that one sentence hit hard. real hard. i still wished he could've phrased it better. but of course, i forgive him now. past aside, that's why i especially appreciate when my friends allow me to be vulnerable and confide in them with something they probably wouldn't want to or expect to hear. they condemn the attitude that's wrong, but i wouldn't feel condemned as a person.

God's word was a very awakening rebuke for me as i searched the intentions of my heart regarding minor squabbles or resentment amidst those who're supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. no one's perfect. and ask 2 questions when i feel like getting into an argument:

1) is my motive pure?
2) is it worth fighting for?

may i be continually aware and repentent of where i am wrong, and humble to whom i have wronged. a passage like James 4 could not have made better sense...

overall, i guess we should realise where our intentions and motives come from, and repent for the kingdom is at hand. (Matt 3:2)

2011-09-12T22:27:00.003+08:00

mondays in school are days of survival. even more so today, when i chose to run in the current hazy surrounding and past the friendly neighbourhood rubbish truck. always running at the weirdest times and weather conditions.

thank God the day's almost over nonetheless!

speaking of running, pasted a new favourite verse on my wall.

"I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge my heart." - Ps 119:32

think i came across this verse about a month ago. it's been on my wall for a while now. i'm still figuring out what "enlarge my heart" means. NLT version says "expand my understanding". so i guess it sorta means "open my eyes/heart" sorta thing? ironically while analysing the verse, i'm also waiting for that to happen...

alright, back to my shrill-toned lecturer's voice that never broke. literally dragging myself through the entire webcast while making my A4 paper completely splashed with multi-coloured pen scribbles. on the other hand, i'm loving nights like this where i don't have to crack my head over illogical formulas until i cry like the previous sem!

2 Cor 12:9

2011-09-11T22:37:00.000+08:00

just a quick summary of how things went 2 days ago in school. smcg=spiritual multiplier care group

--------------------------------------------------------------
hey smcg leaders,

i guess i was the only one who managed to have smcg last week haha. anyway, just to encourage you both, be really really honest with your testimony sharing.

i took a risk and was as honest as i could be, and i never regretted. it was so encouraging hearing from everyone else from my group. of course you gotta be strategic in the way you ask questions.

at first i asked (after i shared) if anyone wanted to share their story too. and none responded. i asked the converse (who didn't want to share) and then everyone started to look like they were thinking (maybe cuz it was 8am).

then one by one each of them shared so deeply in a way i have never heard before. i really got what i didn't expect. and really, thank God. everyone was very blessed. we knew more than we thought we could get out of each other in just less than 2 hours. and i think they believed how powerful each of their stories are, in that God can still use our weaknesses and change them into strengths by which we can use to encourage others.

so jiayou for your upcoming ones! showing the vid at the beginning does help, btw.

God bless, and have a great wk ahead!

rachel
--------------------------------------------------------------

2011-09-10T17:21:00.004+08:00

pure camaraderie.

witnessed it between 5-6 malay boys in the train on the way home from church. one had a guitar, and the others were just drumming on their seats and enjoying themselves. what simplicity, what joy... been a long time since i shared that with anyone. no thanks to busy schedules and messed up minds.

was just talking to my sis yesterday. first time we spent so much time together since that night God answered my prayer miraculously. as much as it is unbelieveable, i think it's really because everything happened because God allowed it and wants too. talked about everything we could under the moonlight before i talked about something i wanted to do, and she interrupted...

me: ... and i think that's it, cuz i really don't wanna waste my time..
sis: i needa pee..
me: ... and that's what i really wanna do.
sis: what, pee?

overall it was a great time spent just talking about what we learnt and how everything we can find is attributed to who God is-the best friend that anyone could ever have. no one can understand us better than He can, sometimes not even ourselves.

gave me much to think about as i went about my jogging this morning ever since my ever so lousy routine hiatus. lost my stamina pretty quick and just sat on the ground in the middle of the walkway. wondered about the many things i have tried or wanted to acquire and possess not so long ago. as much as there is an element of love and care to whatever we wish to possess, there are days that we'll just stop and wonder why we're even stuck to that possession or even any relationship. is it because i don't want to miss out on what others have? is it for that transient happiness or comfort of security? read Phil 4 recently, and i'm ever so inspired and encouraged to want to move on despite the different possible things that could happen to me along the way-that the world perceives as something we can control and conquer if only we weren't so "stupidly blinded" by something they call religion.

alrighto, just my observations.

i'm headed to a crusade friend's birthday now. another one who's flying off soon... seriously, what's with people and flying...

2011-09-09T08:05:00.002+08:00

today's one of the rare days that i lug my laptop to school. currently about to start the day with spiritual multipliers care group. only one other girl's here now, first time anyone's earlier than me! hahaha.

was thinking about how i'll go about sharing as i lead today, and God just let it all flow out in my sleep-deprived head like it was a movie clip, and a simple story to be told. i'm not a very good storyteller, but by His grace, i'm going to base my sharing of experiences with a bunch of younger gals on the verses that He's given to me in the past few journals. verses and promises that have been naturally etched in my memory.

these are just some of a few that meant alot in my teenhood transition to young adulthood. (sigh.. i can't believe i'm turning 21 though i bade farewell to innocence pretty long ago)

Eph 4:26
Num 32:23
Prov 17:17
Prov 27:17
Prov 3:5-6
Romans 5:3-4
2 Cor 12:9-10
Jer 29:11

if God means anything at all to us, we'll figure out soon enough that the experiences we go through were all allowed by Him and they all happened for a good reason. :)

only one more girl just arrived.. 3 more to go. and as usual, i'm getting the predictable couple of "sorry i'll be late" texts... maybe we should start a "sorry i'm too early" trend instead hahah.

unfinished, unfulfilled.

2011-09-06T21:04:00.000+08:00

supposed to sleep now, but i couldn't get to bed. physically tired but not mentally tired though my brain's probably wired upside down right now.

saw my buddy wenxin off this morning at about 4am in the morning at the airport. woke up at 2.30am. didn't expect to cry, but i did shed tears when she hugged me for quite a while and told me she wanted to cry. i miss her so much though she's only been gone for a day. life here's gonna be so different without her. cheesy as it sounds, it's like she literally took a piece of me away.

we managed to do a few things on our list of things to do when she first arrived. really enjoyed the last thing we did which was to cook together. who knew, time flew and now she's back where she's supposed to be, studying for her degree and perhaps even a masters. don't even want to think about how long she'll be gone. when i met the other 4 gals from PL in the car today, the conversations in the car despite their friendly bickerings clearly showed how different and more practical we were in our thinking and in our daily activities. everyone's just focused on the future now. no one's looking back much. in a few moments i think we can sense that even compassion is compromised...

which really brings me to another thing that's been bothering me. what'm i supposed to do with my life? i would still love to think that what i want to do, or what God wants, is far and exceedingly different than what i think i can do. i do daydream of doing different things. sometimes too much for my own good. cuz at the end, God decides the outcome of the things i do. praying i won't waste my time. though, i hope i won't reach 30 and still not know what i'm supposed to do. that's almost half my life gone. and if there's one feeling that would aptly describe how i feel now, which might have to do with the few hours of sleep, it would be the feeling of unfulfilment. please don't be surprised, because i'm still at the last year of the theoretical stage of searching for my identity.

the rest of my melancholy shall be coped with in my prayer journal. been writing more than i've been typing, which i guess is a good transition... to possibly another long hiatus for this blog, until i'm free enough to recount the lessons and rethink the values i've picked up from both God's word, situations and people that He's placed in my way. not going to stop writing, that's for sure. appreciate that wenxin and bro Nat frequently affirm my writing styles (whatever it is) and i'm so happy that finally my years of reading newspapers and forcing myself to study for GP has paid off. of course, this calls for consistency to maintain and improve standards...

time for bed. i think i've written enough for a person who desperately needs to sleep. have a dreaded project meeting tmr for a subject that i absolutely loathe. God help me.

2011-09-01T23:22:00.005+08:00

i realise a different set of lessons are emphasised to me every single sem. i learn through doing my quiet time, reading books, re-reading my sermon notes and through daily life situations or conversations with people, or just stoning and thinking about the most random things on earth.

for sm/discipler gathering yesterday while briefing everyone on the theme for caregroup, i decided to focus on the whole notion of love that God puts across through His word- through Jesus' life in action and not focusing on emotion. feelings are unreliable and can damage our real intentions in wanting to do what honours God at the end of the day. it's hard to overcome because we're stuck in the flesh. that's why we need to fully rely on the Holy Spirit.

found myself repeating to a few (mostly younger) people this year, "sometimes you can't do what you feel like doing". i usually hear a pout after that.

it's true that most of what we do though, is highly based on what we feel is good for us, or based on how we feel our actions would benefit only us at the end of the day etc. there is most definitely a thing called selfish love, and i know i've been guilty of that countless times too.

love isn't as simple as it sounds. love actually isn't about me. i think, love to flow through us sincerely isn't possible if we don't love God first and love our neighbours.

sometimes i wish i could separate body and spirit into 2 separate entities. but they work together and are wound together so intrinsically that i find it hard to differentiate sometimes where my intentions come from, and whether what i did was over aggressive or what i had was under utilised. ah, the pains and headaches of service sometimes...

been coming back late this whole week of school. time to reschedule certain things and to get certain priorities straight. God's opened my eyes to certain ministries and areas of possible service i want to go into. i'm still praying for direction as i near graduation. this has got to be the biggest mystery of my life that i'm to continue to trust Him for. i was encouraged when i went for the seminar for graduation students and heard the testimonies of a few who have graduated. they see themselves constantly as a christian first, and an employer to the company second. it just shows that we're all full-time christians, whatever we're doing. our job is to influence, and not to be influenced.

just some reflections i thought i'd type down before i head on to doing work.

He's brought me thus far, and i know He'll continue to see me through no matter where i end up! fellow pilgrims, we're aliens to this world and it's culture. so let's be His salt and light, loving Him and others, and doing our best for Him where we are!

~make the best out of everyday~

what do you think about?

2011-08-04T09:56:00.005+08:00

there's nothing quite like reading archive posts... and i'm not talking about mine. i just read a close friend's blog- the one she wrote not long after she returned to Christ. not even to the 3rd random post, i realised how encouraged i already was by the words written almost 2 years ago.

it's amazing how some things we've been through in the past just reminds us of God's faithfulness and gives us just that indescribable sense of hope. funny thing is, how come we don't see it where we are now? we're just like myopic and narrow-visioned sheep with rather short term memory i guess. we stumble easily when we hit the first bush. and we'll probably lay down... 四脚朝天, for the longest time ever, waiting for the sky to fall...

(to be honest i only ask questions like the ones below when i'm sick longer than 3 days. now, it's been 3 weeks and counting. saw the doc 3 times. think medical expenses have reached 3 digits. love the number 3. i'd like to think everything happen for a reason... or 3...)

maybe you're physically sick too. or just sick and tired of living a routined desk job. sick and tired of having to bring home the bacon. sick and tired of living up to the expectations of the people who mean alot to you and may or may not be of any blood-relation to you. maybe even sick of being a christian. that being said, do we think alot about how sick we are more than what we're going to do about it? my mentor told me that when she falls sick, she knows it's time that God has allowed for her to reflect more... so these are the things i've been thinking about, mixed with all the things i've learnt from the bible here and there...

truth is, if we say we're christians, we all know He's real. but how long is our memory span of how He's blessed us before? do we have flashbacks of how He's proven Himself to us in more ways than one?

have we really forgotten how blessed we really are in Him? are we taking certain things for granted in our family, school, or church?

as much as christians are supposed to care about the spiritual, i realised that being a christian is alot about the physical too. Jesus came physically to provide spiritual restoration for all mankind because of our physically sinful nature. our souls and bodies are inseparable. hence, the only sinless person is a dead person. admit it, there's something we all struggle to fight against when we reach our valleys. was listening to a sermon, and it's clear that sin's related to the flesh, and sinful passions will continue to work as long as i'm human and in the flesh. the only relieve i get is when my flesh dies.

"When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death." --Romans 7:5

"It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Just as we are now like the earthly man, we will someday be like the heavenly man." --1 Cor 15:42,49

dear brothers and sisters, we'll get to heaven someday.
would sooner be too bad?
would i fear suffering then? it'll probably get me to heaven sooner eventually!
i think this was the attitude of all christian martyrs who've risked their all for God. they risked their lives for something bigger than themselves. it's sad that people today risk their wealth and health for something that leads them away from God. we may not be martyrs, but we are meant for eternity... it's all about the heavenly perspective.

how much of scripture have we actually translated into our own lives? if we even secretly think that "doing too much of holy stuff is crazy" or "faith is fairytale stuff and it's crazy so please come back to earth for a second", then sooner or later-so will everyone else. we influence a great number of people in our lives, whether or not we think we're influential anyway. but that hindrance and fear of being looked upon as "crazy" contradicts who we're called to be... because we're supposed to be different. and maybe even crazy in the eyes of people who want to be accepted both in heaven and on earth.

i loved to give up when i was younger. i'd have a wonderful idea and start on it. then after a while i realise i don't exactly know how to do certain things, and i'd run out of motivation, stop trying and eventually throw it all away. i remember my mom scolded me when i did christmas decorations that were half done. but now that i'm older, i'm learning not to give up so easily. i still do feel like throwing "stuff" or responsibilities away once in a while, feeling there's really no way i can reach the point that i had hoped for at the beginning.

then again, we never will reach a point of completion until we're dead. so if we're stuck in a valley and we don't get up and start moving upwards again after a long nap, where else are we supposed to go?

quoting macarthur,

"i am to live my life shunning sin, until i reach the goal of my life. i have to be on the right track now. whatever that's left for me till i die has to be lived according to the will of God and not for the lusts of men."

and the stimulus to my goal of shunning and hating sin is based on
1) what sin did to Christ-- He who knew no sin became sin for us, dying on the cross with thorns pressed upon on His brow, flogging marks on His flesh, a spear through His side, and a broken heart.
2) what sin does to us christians-- the sad thing about sin is that it has messed us up and the only way to cease from it is to be dead.

if these don't bring us back to a certain perspective, then God knows how long we'll be stuck where we are.

but i feel the worst is to think that we're fine where we are when we're actually not. take a while to think like Christ, and feel His heartbeat again for what truly matters in this very short life we have.

what do you think about?

i really love and thank God for my friends who make me think.

US version of a very meaningful monologue. think, people. think. examine. find out.

whoopee!

2011-07-26T21:29:00.004+08:00

ahhh thank God!!!!! the joy of getting my modules every semester just keeps getting better! i just got 4 out of 5 of the modules i wanted for this sem! God is awesome!!! just one more singapore studies module to get on thurs...

can't believe that this could actually be my final year in uni. God's will be done! can't wait to see how my CAP moves along the y-axis over time... please please God.. help me help me help me...

finally saw the kids today at the centre after a week of absence thanks to viral infection. some of them were surprised to see me because their friends apparently told them (with the assumption) that i went back to school already. nonetheless, it was nice, like coming home again- to the usual smell of school shoes at the front door, and the sight of their innocent but cheeky faces, plus the rather playful and crazy staff. still can't believe this is going to be my last week with them. gotta admit, im going to miss them calling me 'miss', mostly.

many changes taking place this sem. i'm going to really really miss having roshni around in lectures. talk about realising who your treasures are once they're gone. it's always the case. and it has to happen every 2 years for me, i realised. trying to make things better in the first few weeks, i'm actually dragging my sec school buddy (who shares the same name as me) who's on summer vacation from london to sit in with me for math. (no i'm not mad and she's not imaginary.) i forsee that she'll probably only survive the first one and swear to never come back again with me... sorry in advance, rach.

okay i'm done with my nonsense. next post will carry a book update! i'm just so happy today that i'm spewing so much rubbish...

exasperated.

2011-07-25T20:04:00.002+08:00

Shiokari Pass

2011-07-23T20:54:00.004+08:00

Through the life of Nobuo, main character of the book 'Shiokari Pass', I got to realise how the simplicities of life can be so beautiful when they're enjoyed through the eyes of one who lives for Jesus. Nobuo was born into a Buddhist family, and converted to faith in Christ in his early adulthood.

Some parts of the book really stood out and spoke to me, as the writer ploughs through the way Nobuo rationalises with the important issues of life as a child, all the way till before his engagement to Fujiko, his childhood sweetheart. Below is one of my favourite parts.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
'But I can't,' And he described how he had been unable to explain when Mr Takaru had said he was a liar.

'Is that so?' Masayuki gazed out over the farden for a while. 'As I thought, it's going to rain.'

Masayuki's conversation was punctuated with the usual pauses. Nobuo, waiting for an answer, was growing impatient.

'Nobuo, even when you grow up, you will find it difficult to express everything you feel, either in speech or in writing. But you must make your listeners understand more than you actually say. As well as the courage and effort needed in trying to make others understand, something is needed. What do you think that is?'

'I don't know.' Nobuo cocked his head on one side.

'It's sincerity. A sincere heart shines out of your words and passes on to others through your face,' said Masayuki, and gently plied his fan again.

A sincere heart, courage, effort. Nobuo pondered this and began to understand a little.

'But, Father, there are times when sincerity won't work, aren't there?'

'Yes, there are.' Masayuki thought of how Tose had never understood about Kiku's faith. 'But it can't be helped, people's natures are all different. There are some people who do not understand what you are feeling, and others that you can't understand. The world is full of different types of people.'

But the thought still nagged Nobuo, 'It's terrible to be thought a liar.' He looked at the thin smoke rising from the mosquito coil....

counterfeit gods review part 2

2011-07-21T21:34:00.005+08:00

-love is not all you need-

"we learn that through all of life there runs a ground note of cosmic disappointment. you are never going to lead a wise life until you understand that."

-Jacob hoped for Rachel, but "in the morning, behold, it was Leah." (Gen 29:25)
this is a representation of our own disillusionment. we feel this disappointment or disillusionment most especially upon the things or people that we set our hopes on.

-when we realise the above, we can do 4 things:
1) blame the things that disappoint us and move on to better ones--> continued idolatry and spiritual addiction
2) blame and beat one's self "i've been a failure. everyone else looks happy, i don't know why i'm not. there's something wrong with me."--> self-loathing and shame
3) blame the world--> making ourselves hard, cynical and empty
4) reorient the entire focus of our lives towards God.

"if I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world [something supernatural and eternal]."- C.S. Lewis

---------------------------------------------------------------------
the next 2 sems are a matter of make or break for me, kind of excited to see what i'll actually be doing one year from now- either graduated, considering NIE or some other opportunity, or still studying splines and curves and playing around with equations with my math buddy who would be back from Yale by then.

supposed to participate in a flash mob dance in school, but just received an email that it's been cancelled due to a 'lukewarm response'. school's seriously filled with muggers... we're short of weaker minded (so to speak) people like me.

due to a rather sore infection of the throat, i have more time to read and complete the ss camp publicity video. carrying the mattresses at the centre probably exposed me to unwanted germs. either that or my immunity has been unusually low this holidays. i'm currently on Shiokari Pass (translated from japanese) and am enjoying it! got a million books to complete because of my bad habit of reading only half of every single one... more books to come, and more materials to prepare for the upcoming sem ahead... focus focus focus!

Worship 事奉

2011-07-11T20:44:00.004+08:00

1) 事奉者的身份-“无非是执事”，执事=劳苦服侍人的仆人，完全听命于主人
the worshipper's identity-- slave or servant of the Lord, only doing what the Lord commands.

2) 事奉的条件-照主所赐给各人的
the condition of worship-- using what we have given from God. (i learnt in 1 corinthians that God has already given all that we ever need to glorify Him. it's only whether we bother to use what He has given or not.)
extra notes:
-remember that without God, we can do nothing.
-everything we do for God must be out of sincere worship. it does not matter what we do. it's the heart that truly matters to Him.
-God's grace is sufficient for us.

3) 事奉的目的- 引导人相信神
the ultimate goal of worship-- to glorify God and to point others to Him.
note: don't be boastful about the service we're doing for the Lord. nothing we do should be compared with the service of another brother.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"没人知道我有多孤独

幸好能找他诉苦

这是我一生中的辛福" --沈施慧

i'm mentally tired though it's only monday. maybe it was the 1000+ decibels that were ringing in my head no thanks to the kids at student care today, or maybe it's the perpetually accumulating discouragement. i was taught since young when solving math problems or when thinking of studying strategies; that when one method doesn't work, try a new one. it's plain stupidity trying to do the same thing over and over again, and despite witnessing repeated failures we expect the slightest glimmer of success at the many other times we try and try again.

so i tried something new today. totally became vulnerable at that point that i needed to express myself. and i prayed for the right words to come out, and i think and just hope, it worked for that little while that i wasn't my usual guarded self...

just trying to make the best out of everyday...

a jump to 1 Cor.

2011-07-10T23:21:00.004+08:00

hello world, it has been too long since my last update. almost a month of unspoken hiatus. this shall definitely happen again due to the upcoming school semester which is guaranteed to suck the living brains out of me which is kind of already depleting badly as demonstrated by my inability to count money this sunday morning.

that was a mouthful.

currently, i'm studying 1 Cor on my own with the help of a study guide by John MacArthur. thought i'd share some of the sermon notes i made for today which just so happened to touch on the same chapter that was filling my brains this week.

a few things have happened these past few weeks. life's dramas will continue to endure as much as we hate for it to be so persistingly sad sometimes. and i realised that sometimes when your heart is broken for someone, the best person to heal is God. sometimes it hurts so bad that you don't even know how to cry anymore. studying His word for me isn't just therapeutic, in fact i think it's life saving in a time of grief or just plain exasperation. (if the KJV version doesn't hit you as hard, try the NLT. a few of my friends can testify it's comprehensibility) furthermore, His word assures me that He's still the One in control when there's really no clue on how certain problems of life can be solved. ironically, most of the answers are found right in His word and we often just don't have the guts to do what it says. agreed?

this sermon was preached in chinese. so i have both the english and chinese version of the bible in the notes i made below so you can better understand it too :) have to admit.. and i think you would too... the chinese bible is written beautifully!

main passage: (just so happened that he preached on 1 Cor which is the book im currently studying and learning tons from!!!)

1 Cor 3:1-4 哥林多前书: 生命的问题
¹ Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in the Christian life.² I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, ³ for you are still controlled by your sinful nature. You are jealous of one another and quarrel with each other. Doesn’t that prove you are controlled by your sinful nature? Aren’t you living like people of the world? ⁴ When one of you says, “I am a follower of Paul,” and another says, “I follow Apollos,” aren’t you acting just like people of the world?
-- ¹ 弟兄们，我从前对你们说话，不能把你们当作属灵的，只得把你们当作属肉体，在基督里为婴孩的。 ² 我是用奶喂你们，没有用饭喂你们。那时你们不能吃，就是如今还是不能。
³ 你们仍是属肉体的，因为在你们中间有嫉妒、分争，这岂不是属乎肉体、照着世人的样子行麽？
⁴ 有说：我是属保罗的；有说：我是属亚波罗的。这岂不是你们和世人一样麽？

from here we see 3 signs of a life of a weak christian, and if we were one, we would be:

1) like an infant-- one who is over reliant, unable to take in solid foods, easily bluffed by the world, can't tell between good or bad, chooses things that have no value or for self-gratification.

2) controlled by sinful nature-- we do what pleases our flesh, and we often overcriticise people.

3) acting just like people of the world-- following the trends of the world. putting self above the interests of others.

Warning about Self-Confidence

James 3:13-14
-- ¹³ Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” ¹⁴ How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.

lesson i picked from this is to really grow up and stop pretending that we know what we're doing when we actually don't. this is where i often start judging others for how i think they haven't grown up, and then i stop and realise that i hardly evaluate myself in this way too. so here's some good reflection questions for me and you:

Q) has my life really changed from the time i received Christ till now? and how have i been growing? have i bothered to keep progress at all? who am i usually relying on in getting my life going- myself or God?

a few points the pastor brought up:
--there was an english man who served as a missionary in a foreign land. he dressed up according to their culture everyday, except one particular day of every week where he would dress up in his normal englishman suit. when asked why he does that, he says it is to retain his identity as an englishman, and to remind himself where he came from.

in the same way, we're future citizens of heaven. how do we remind ourselves while we're still on earth that we are different and meant to live for what lasts for eternity? what am i doing to remind myself constantly that i'm a christian?

--being placed in a christian community (sch fellowship or church), are we the source of influence to the world? or is it the culture of the world infiltrating our church?

We don't belong to the world

John 17:15-17
¹⁵ I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. ¹⁶ They do not belong to this world any more than I do. ¹⁷ Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth.

in contrast to the above 3 points,

let us instead be:

1) growing and constantly maturing christians (长大成人）
2）submit ourselves to the Holy Spirit (顺从圣灵)
3) be set apart and holy for God (要分别为圣）

with instincts like salmon determined to go against the current back to where they were first hatched as eggs, we must continually swim and live against the trends and currents of the world until the day we die.

will update the other part on worship soon. till then, make the best out of everyday, everyone :]

2011-06-11T22:43:00.004+08:00

obviously i haven't blogged in almost a month! i think i wasted alot of time during this period of slack nothing-ness. can identify with what apostle Paul says... the things that i'm supposed to do, i don't do... and vice versa. (btw, i've finally deleted the dreaded tagboard.)

i was clearing mail and i read a letter from 'Grace to Asia' and i found points about emotions that really spoke to me (surprisingly not from the sermon which i didn't order), and i hope will speak to a couple of my friends too:

=====================================================

-it's hard to deny that our world is shaped and driven by sensual emotions. facts and objective truth only matter in terms of the sensual response they evoke in us. we're encouraged to use our emotions as the final standard for determining what is true or false, good or bad, right or wrong. even important decisions are made based on nothing more than how we feel about our choices.

-this isn't just a problem in the secular realm. if we're honest with ourselves, many christians put far too much trust in their emotions. instead of holding fast to objective truths, they pursue the highs and lows of their affections. and in many cases, they let their moods and impulses determine how they think and live. yet biblical truth is eternal,,nda does not bow to the whims of how we feel about the Lord and His word.

-many churches today spend time and effort catering to human temperaments, massaging people's egos and encouraging them to feel good about themselves and their futures. it's the gospel of self-esteem, taught by motivational speakers, leadership and managementt gurus. learning and growing in the truth of scripture is replaced by shallow conversations that focus on how we feel about verse or passage. subjective emotions, rather than the objective truth of the bible, have become the standard by which ministry and worship are measured- sad conditions of some churches today.

-goal of scripture is not to change the way we feel, but the way we think and act.

-the inevitable change in our emotions including a passion for righteousness and an overwhelming love for Christ and His wisdom is but a by-product of a much deeper, more enduring change.

-emotions are not bad. they are a tremendous gift from God. wide spectrum of emotions we feel is a blessing, one that sets us apart from the rest of creation. but if our emotions are not informed by and subject to His eternal, immutable truth, then they are just crippling us. emotions are not dependable determinants of truth, nor are they good foundations for making decisions. (this i agree 1000x)

-instead of trusting in faulty and unreliable feelings, believers must learn and cling to the unchanging standard of scripture. it is the only trustworthy guide we have for growing spiritually, developing relationships, making decisions, and guarding our emotions.

-loving God is not all about having strong feelings about Him. God's word equips us to love and worship God, minister to others, live in an upright and holy manner, make wise decisions, deal with sin, and withstand the inevitable ups and downs of life in a fallen world. truth is our reliable, immovable anchor.

=====================================================
for me, emotions really affect my prayer life. was sharing with cyn and nic that i haven't been persevering in prayer recently... especially about my grandpa's salvation and other issues. i'm determined from today not to let that happen when i'm tired or falling sick! (you know how being ill can really make you feel super lethargic)

going to penang for church camp in less than 48 hours. i really can't wait for a good time of spiritual refreshment! parents will be there too. it's been almost what, 7 years since they attended a church camp together? praying it'll be a blessed time for them too!

till then, may we all make the best out of every day that the Lord gives us!

Through my eyes: the ever-living legacy of the late Aunty Christine

2011-05-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

The last thing i remember the late aunty Christine telling me during the last song service i attended was, "whoa, you can play piano without looking at score ah?"

I loved how even the little things she said to anyone carried a subtle note of encouragement (and in my case she probably didn't know that i actually also COULDN'T play WITH score). I appreciated how she always saw the good things in others, and marvelled at how she saw Christ as all sufficient and Sovereign during the toughest of situations. Only now do most realise, through the severity of her illness, how much she had chosen not to be the one merely receiving support, but being the best testimony, wife, mother and friend she could be to those around her- with every single moment the Lord graciously gave to her.

Through her cancer journey, i also hardly heard of her complaining. In fact, i know she was one of those who never failed to talk to my grandma about the latest medicine that her friends have recommended for her, and she would share these information with my grandma in return. Her actions in general remind me of the verse:

1 Peter 3:4
-"But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."

Through 3 days of keeping vigil, though not present full-time, i have learnt much from listening to the testimony of others about my aunt, whom i was unfortunately not personally close to. Her life was such an inspiration to all who knew her, and honestly i feel that her life was one that would be described as one without much regret, and well and fully lived for the glory of God. This is the life i'm inspired to live as well. Thank God for her wonderful and humble example. Now i see that her 10 years of struggles with health were really God-given and allowed to take place, so that she could be used by God, despite her weakness, as an effective vessel that overflowed with God's incomprehensible love and goodness. The trials she weathered were never in vain. This verse was stuck in my head while i reflected over the 3 days whilst i watched her laid at rest:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
-"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

There is really much to praise God for in her life and the legacy she left behind for her children and for those she knew and influenced.

I also remembered this next passage from Ecclesiastes and found it extremely apt, and im going to copy a portion of it for Uncle Siong Teck's family... Im equally confident together with the family that we will see her again, for it is only time and space that separates us from the eternal bliss in which we all look forward to enjoying even now as we seek to live our lives for eternal purposes. The thought of reunion in a wonderful place is just overwhelmingly peaceful and comforting. Earthly separation is going to be temporarily painful, but heavenly reunion for all of God's children is His wonderful eternal promise. Amen to God's perfect timing, in which everything is done and made perfect and beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

Commercial break of thoughts..

2011-05-12T00:01:00.003+08:00

Can't do chapter 1 of the book today cuz it's been a really long day! Yes, excuses. Went to have lunch with my uni friends today, and i realised today was the first time i've taken a photo with my 2 yrs math buddy roshni before in our course of study. Hahaha. Can't believe she's leaving for Yale soon! School's going to be very different without this gem of a friend around..

Was reflecting today on the lessons on Job that i'd learnt so far this year, before i chose an apt verse to send to my aunt who's suffering from cancer treatment. God's marvellous creation and Him as Creator was one of the things that really stood out for me in chapter 37. I realised how our problems capture our attention so easily and how vulnerable we are to be shortsighted to what God has done and what He is capable of doing. I faced a couple of struggles (that i felt were totally undeserved, disappointing and disproportionate to the amount of effort i was putting in to fight against) this past sem, and all i could remember in the first few days of those problems were of me wrestling with it on my own, either mentally or psychologically, refusing to tell even God. At the end, it was always God's word, His character, His promises and His love that radiated like the sunshine breaking past the thunderstorm clouds of my most horrible days that brought me back on track, helped me see, and to realise again and again that every struggle was just a temporary hurdle that would lead me to where He wants me to be, as long as He's there with me in the conquering of each goliath-ish obstacle. On a side note, like Job, sometimes it's also really hard to understand why some friends considered close to you choose to say certain things. The situation's already bad enough by itself. Think most of you would know what i mean. And it's good to be wary that sometimes we are like that ourselves to others when we think we know better. We have to accept sooner or later that it's only inevitable that imperfection in every sense is likely to follow after a certain disappointment. I figured that if i choose not to see how God is capable, i'm just going to be stuck at that thought of being helpless and yet wanting to be "independent" (so to speak), and then end up never moving closer to where i'm meant to be...

I'm thankful for my inspiring ex-sunday school teacher who told me one sunday ago that it's totally okay to take the path less travelled. Of course, he was talking about my future career path. But i saw a parallel to that and what Jesus would want us to do when we're at the crossroads of deciding between the narrow and broad way. As long as we're His followers, we're taking the path that is definitely least travelled. And similarly, it's also okay!

Time for rest. I cant wait for my first workplace meeting this friday! God bless all in your current journeys!

'counterfeit gods' review 1

2011-05-11T00:35:00.011+08:00

praise God! i just got a call this afternoon from the FSC that i'm hoping to work/volunteer at for the summer holidays! really prayed about this one, and right now, the major prayer pointer for me is on my upcoming results which will determine the path i take in future, whether it is the one that's less travelled (what i hope for) or not.

was just telling cynthia a while ago that i feel like the things i do are more often, somehow very "半途而废" (in my lousy direct translation: do halfway throw away). it's fun and exciting to imagine being able to do many things for God- like how i wanted to do up some short video just a couple of years ago with my then-still-fresh-but-amateurish-videoing-and-editing-skills. somehow things never really came to fruition and the thought of it just makes me sulk at how much time i wasted thinking about it, but not really praying about it on my own. she reminded me to pray, and i guess that's what i'm going to always do when i'm handed an amount of time to do something or when i'm given some intangible space to dream up or create something meaningful. thank God for her advice. anw, jiayou to you sis for your work and school! (if you read this haha)

and as for the video, i'll keep it in my prayer list, just maybe going to pursue that further when it's the best time, most probably like cyn said- after i've entered my golden years.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as i've mentioned in my blog post before this, the challenge on keeping close to God is still on. i think it's quite scary what the world's becoming (and what we may become gradually) if we aren't careful or really looking closely at ourselves and our morphing culture. the mentally or spiritually stagnant periods in my life are the most scary, and now i may sound like i'm absolutely paranoid. i know and i can testify that it is largely possible to backslide no matter how close we think we are to God. just an intro of excerpts from the wonderfully written book 'counterfeit gods' that i'm about to review for this week (as my "homework", lest i forget or neglect my blog) :

Exodus 20:3-5 (KJV)

³Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

⁴Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

⁵Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

*what is an idol?
"It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give. A counterfeit god is anything so central and essential to your life that, should you lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living.

There are personal idols: romatic love, family, money, power, achievement, access to particular social circles, emotional dependence of others on you, health, fitness, physical beauty. -- we try to find hope, meaning and fulfillment in these, that only God can provide.

There are cultural idols: military power, technological progress, economic prosperity. Idols of traditional societies: family, hard work, duty, moral virtue, and those of western cultures: individual freedom, self-discovery, personal affluence, fulfillment. -- these good things can and do take on disproportionate size and power within a society and promise us safety, peace and happiness if we base our lives on them.

There are intellectual idols: ideology. (the chim part) and there are also idols in every vocational field.

How we relate to these idols-- we love idols, trust idols, and obey idols.

Idols capture our imagination, and we can locate them by looking at our daydreams. Idols give us a sense of being in control, and we can locate them by looking at our nightmares. We tend to look to our idols to provide us with a sense of value, significance, worth, confidence and safety.

The way forward, out of despair, is to discern the idols of our hearts and our culture. Yet, that will not be enough. The only way to free ourselves from the destructive influence of counterfeit gods is to turn back to the true One- the Living God who revealed Himself both at Mount Sinai and on the Cross. He is the only Lord who, if we find Him, can truly fulfil us, and, if we fail Him, can truly forgive us."

(taken from 'counterfeit gods' by Timothy Keller)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to be continued...

my prayer for myself and for my friends reading or not reading is that your time spent each day be a fruitful and meaningful one, no matter what you're doing! may we be active and yet watchful as the glorious day is soon to come!

2011-05-09T00:51:00.002+08:00

I havent gotten down to writing since 4 weeks ago!! My mind's exploding in excitement as i plan what im to do this holidays. I think the right part of my brain needs some serious warmups and vigourous exercise. The left has worked hard enough for this sem. Thank God!! Anyway, having gone through less than 1 week of the holidays, there is a resolve that i would like to share with you:

The challenge for (especially long) holidays, my friends, is to stay close to God.

Oh the many times where the mind that idles has ended up in places it never thought it would be. You would see a pattern in the kinds of entries i write in my last few long holidays in the past years (which makes this blog sound like it's decades old). Having a fetish for patterns in both the math and unmath things of life, i cant help but notice that a great misuse of our time can lead us astray from God and His desired purpose in our lives at any point of time. Plus, the fact that the smarter we think we are makes us more susceptible to being caught unaware.

Thinking of, praying for, and helping others more than self should be a useul thing to do. I realise how selfish my holidays can be once i fill it up with meaningless-repetitive-materistic pursuits, and to wish after that to have done more of it. It reminds me of the addiction cycle i learnt this sem. Psychological dependency on things and sometimes even people. I shall blog about the book im currently reading (counterfeit gods) in the span of next week! Watch this space!

2011-04-11T23:30:00.003+08:00

a very simple but impactful skit my friend jac told me about. hope you're as blessed by it as i was!

2011-04-09T22:10:00.005+08:00

Currently reading 2 books- screwtape letters by C.S. Lewis, and a book by Timothy Keller, "counterfeit gods". I was kept up one night thinking about the fierce spiritual warfare we as mere humans face, and i penned down this simple poem. It's also slightly inspired by one of the favourite illustrative stories i posted once about- "the room".

Im so thankful through a sharing my discipler shared this week as well.. What assurance that Jesus is ours, and that He has nailed our idolising human nature to the cross!! I didnt know what to call this poem, so i decided to take the title from the first and the last word of it. Hope you can identify with the images and sounds i chose.. The devil and sin can be synonymous in some places..

-Hello, goodbye-

Hello, my dear nature-
How'm i to know if you're sincere?
How'm i to know if you mean what i hear?
Who's able to guess right at the start,
When i cant possibly see what's in your heart?
It's so painful to feel,
I've gotta grit my teeth
Because i find it hard
to pretend not to grieve
About the melancholic songs that i always hear
From you in your bottomless pit of wishful thinking, doubt and fear
I wish you never told me
I wish i never knew
(though i'm glad now that i actually do)

I need an escape
And yet you told me to wait
But you've broken some promises
And you know, to be honest,
I can't destroy the records i've kept about you-
The way you've nudged and made me walk,
The way you've whispered and made me talk.
But i dont blame you cuz it was my choice
To listen to you and not His voice

To my devious companion-
It's been so long and
I dont wanna pretend
That when i let go of you i might cry
Because you've caused me to realise
Through the wars you made me go through-
That this is why i'd need to bid farewell to you.
I know you'll come back again
Come back and see me some day
I hope you'll find me different
And more aware, and neither ignorant
Nor accepting towards you-
I cant destroy the records i kept about you,
I cant forget no matter how hard i try to

I know that in every season
You showed up for a Sovereign's reason
I know because of you i deserve to die
And i would have done so, if not for you and my selfish pride
Shame on me for forgetting Him again!
The One who's promised to be with me till the end...
I hope you remember that among us both, He lovingly came in between
Nailed you all on Himself, and then set me free
I'd cost Him His life, His blood, pierced through real flesh and skin.

So long, my companion-
You and i cannot imagine the joy
And how i now long to embrace Him and cry.
For that was how, to you-
My idolising nature,
I was finally able to say goodbye.

2011-04-05T18:05:00.003+08:00

currently waiting for my girls to come to the science corner for dg. it's been a long time, my big white space.

chose to deviate from the crusade material for discipleship today, teaching my girls about hymns cuz it's definitely something they don't hear everyday!

i realised how much the language in today's (worship) songs have been downgraded into sometimes meaningless repetitions of commonly sung phrases. if only we had preserved the thee's and thou's in language. somehow they sound more beautiful...

while reading a hymn devotional yesterday, i've come to admire the person and life of Fanny Crosby who was blinded at just 6 weeks due to a doctor's error. the beautiful irony of her life is really how she managed to open the eyes of believers and non-believers to the wonderful saving hope and grace of Jesus, through her poems and songs. through the lyrics, it's hard to believe that she's blind cuz she sees so much more in the life she has in Jesus compared to the mere and normal-functioning believer...

girls are here! will be back!

2011-03-14T00:01:00.005+08:00

somehow monday blues can get pushed forward to sunday nights. just finished a long forum posting which covered for my 3 posts per week for that arts module. didn't actually want to blog today, but i felt like i should bring my head back to perspective so that i can start tomorrow well again!

in the midst of schooling it finally occured to me that i was going through the most stressful year of my 3-4 years. sometimes i do wonder if it's okay to be stressed, and if it's a sign that i'm not trusting God enough.

thank God, i happened to flip to the middle of my devotional (which has an unrandomly topic-ed random article) one day on the train, and i'd like to share some points that i hope comforts whoever reads this.

-everyone experiences stress. it's a normal part of life, result of living in a fallen world under the effect of sin's ccrse.

-even though some look for a faith that bypasses stress, stress is actually an unavoidable accompaniment of both spiritual growth and spiritual regression.

-although faith enables us to deal with the pressures of stress, it doesn't eliminate them.

-when we hold ourselves accountable to God's standards, we sometimes feel a greater awareness of stress than if we were not a child of God.

-as members of God's family, we are led by the Holy Spirit to acknowledge padst sins and failures and come to terms with the ways we have hurt one another and dishonoured God.

-in the short term, life is simpler for people who aren't aware of the depth of their depravity and in turn are able to rationalise their sins.

-just as warmth can't dispel the numbness of frostbitten hands without pain, Christians can't expect spiritual growth without stress.

-"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."-- 2 Cor1:8-9
--------------------------------------------------------------

i was talking to a friend who reminded me on the Sovereignty of God. very often we prefer to think that we're in better control of situations when we actually can't do much good for ourselves. we choose not to trust God because we'd rather trust ourselves and our experiences. and that's why we end up getting unnecessarily stressed.

-so it isn't abnormal for a chrsitian to feel stressed out. far from it. but stress for chrsitians is accompanied with purpose and hope that reinforces and strengthens faith.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -romans5:1-5

God bless all! amidst whatever worries, assignments and tests, i'm reminded that God is Sovereign and i must only do my best!!!

2011-02-20T21:06:00.002+08:00

hiatus calls. i have yet to learn so many things. God help me...

2011-02-19T22:25:00.002+08:00

this was my devotions for valentines day. nic's been urging me to blog so i picked out some points that stood out when i read this. it's a timely thing for me. hope these words encourage us all in the right direction!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Letting go" (From 'Our daily journey')

-"We truly love another person only if we love them first in God."--Jonathan Edwards

-Any love that doesn't begin with God is actually a form of selfishness.

-Our circle of love may widen to include everyone on planet Earth, yet we'll still prefer the people on our planet to the possible inhabitants of others.

-"True virtue consists in love to God in general, and afterward to any one particular being."

-Jesus commands us to love Him more than our closest family and friends.

-He isn't merely warning against idolatry, but He's also telling us how to fully enjoy our close relationships.

-When we love others more than God, we inevitably ask more from them than what they can deliver. Our neediness will eventually suffocate them and our relationship.

-Jesus said that whatever we cling to-we will lose, but if we give up our lives for Him, we will find it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when i talk to my grandma over the phone these days, she'll randomly ask me who my friends are and whether there're any guys... and eventually urge me to start "fishing around"- if you know what i mean. obviously being a girl, it's not like it's going to be my choice. of course, being a girl it's not like i don't want a "prince on a white horse" if there's any... but normally those kinda coercing conversations do make me squirm a bit... thankfully this devotion brought peace, as i remember who i'm supposed to love above all else before any other thing or person.

2011-02-13T23:37:00.002+08:00

just came back from family gathering... we commemorated our family's 38th year of salvation in the Lord since that dramatic chinese new year. thank God for aunty chai lang who always shares from her heart to the entire family. each year's really a new challenge for every one of us. i can't exactly remember the full story of what happened 38 years ago, cuz it's not told every CNY.. but i'll find out and post it someday. but the point is, i'm so so grateful that God saved my dad's side of the family, even way before i was born. it's just amazing.

i remember my cousins and i used to run around the telok blangah home void deck with sparklers that uncle lye teck would always provide for us. the last time was probably when i was in sec 1 or below? whoa, where did my childhood go? remember us trying to kill ants on the floor with the fire while trying not to harm each other. majority of us are more mature now so we all just hang out on our grandma's bed and make fun of one another. yep, especially my oldest cousin...

soon, 3 of my cousins -jared, daryl and samuel- are going into army! so fast la... can't imagine what they'll look like without any hair covering their heads and camouflage cream on their faces. can't wait to see that...

such a random post.. i'm going to sleep now...

2011-02-06T18:24:00.003+08:00

blogging's become irregular... so has my breathing... and i'm joking. i just wish for a longer break, as most of us would. numbering off the things i wanna thank God for recently (especially the exciting event that happened couple of weeks ago), to keep my mind sane amidst all the unseen math disasters...

1) i'm officially in the YAF's outreach ministry! whoopee and i finally get to work with yvonne (especially) and jaime. (managed to find out on one of their profiles after activating my fb account, which i have deactivated again.) i realise that this year's really different, in that the 3 of us -jas, jaime and i- aren't serving "together" in any ministry, since we graduated from the YF.

2) math ain't that bad, so far.

3) my fav childhood playmate/cousin joel's going to the army next week. he's all grown up.. awww.. anyway, thank God that we're talking and on good terms... it could have been worse cuz we only see each other <5 times a year since i stopped giving his brother tuition... will pray for you, man! (if you read this)

4) (exciting to share:) met this girl on the bus recently (2 weeks ago) who noticed i was reading C.S Lewis, and we managed to sustain a conversation until we reached the train, got in and travelled from harbourfront all the way to serangoon. she happened to be also from NUS. (almost thought she was working there because her dressing was very office-like) ended up getting her contact because she said she wanted to know more about fellowship, and that's how i made friends with a stranger on the way home on that very interesting rainy day. met her for lunch soon after and concluded we should start follow up twice a month because she and i realised she had misconceptions about her faith. it was really God's timing, and great timing, because i had just finished a course on evangelism and follow up/discipleship and was introduced to really cool materials... how amazing God is!

i honestly wonder if i'll ever be able to stop "overloading" myself with things. i can remember my mom shaking her head when i said that word during family gathering last christmas. my ability to overload is good and bad... and the bad effects of it do show up once in a while... so, to my closer friends, if you ever catch me in a bad mood (which many do these days), please understand that i'm either falling sick, kinda hungry or i'm mentally very busy at that moment. if still you can't understand, please find a good time to kidnap me for a meal and shake the information out of me. i thank God for all my caring and loving sisters-in-Christ and very understanding friends...

right now, my throat's not good to me. what a nice (though expected) thing to happen after cny. anyway, may God continue to remind me of the verse that's the theme of this blog! i need more than just optimism to carry me through this busy february.

true,.... honest,.... just,.... pure,.... lovely,.... good report.... think on these things....

"singapore talking"

2011-01-21T00:00:00.005+08:00

alot of exciting things happened this week! i cannot thank God enough...

before i blog about the excitement of today (which i will probably do another day), i shall share my views from what i listened to at "singapore talking", lest i need to share anything with my lecture group quite expectedly tomorrow evening if the lecturer decides to sa-bo me. the topics we talked about really alarm me because i never knew how bad moral standards are falling until i actually heard some of the street interviews played back during the show.

the first topic they talked about was on singaporeans (youth mostly) being "too affectionate". a sub-topic was whether it's okay or not for a student to have sex with their teachers. students dating their teachers were quite heard of in my mom's time cuz she would share some stories with me. and one teacher of hers actually married one of her classmates. and that was back then, and probably it was really some real love story. but i think it's nothing as scandalous and serious as teachers nowadays consenting to having sex with their (naively curious and competitive) students. what was surprising to me was that the legal age for sex where both parties have consented was mentioned to be 16. (i thought it was 18.) and being adults, (though the teacher may be young) i would assume for them to know better than the hormonally unstable teenager. turns out that casual sex seems to be on the rise, as much as it is in the US also. media and peer pressure's the common cause of influence. the talkshow host then questioned at the end if it was really okay because times are changing and maybe we're all just "making a big fuss" out of it. but this, i feel, is just an excuse to condone what everyone else is doing just as long as it doesn't affect us directly.

second sub-topic of the above is about sexuality education. so far, the stand in singapore is: abstinence. there was abit of controversy when talking about contraceptives. in the US, contraceptives are introduced to the youth, promoting the idea-"if you want to do it, at least do it safely". as a rather pragmatic method, it sure produced positive results- there's a clear decline in number of unwanted pregnancies. but the question in singapore's context would be on her moral standards if contraception was introduced and taught about in schools. parents have complained and most are going through anxiety problems because of the changes that schools and their children are facing in terms of the "whats and hows to teach them about sex". "fear tactics" are often used in schools, by naming (and showing pictures) of all the consequences of casual sex. a guy in the audience shared his views on why kids these days don't really learn about sex in the way that their parents want them to (through reading educational books or listening to school talks). generation changes have caused kids to want to learn things by "trying" these days. and that's the best way they learn. but i sadistically think they only "learn" best when they're in pain. i also feel that youths nowadays are largely uninformed or just plain apathetic about the consequences of making poor decisions until it's too late. the key solution, that was mentioned by the social worker who was interviewed, is in building a strong relationship at home since young so that there's this trust between the parent and child- so that it's not so awkward when the parent needs to talk about sex with the child when it's time.

won't blog about the gambling topic (which was the second section) yet, because there wasn't much that i got out of it.

through the whole recording, i felt that it is real and obvious that singapore's moral standards are dropping and her values are becoming more westernised. i would attribute it to the fact that most of our tv shows are imported from the US. and i still believe that it's tv, music and media that's influencing people. songs that our teens are listening to are openly encouraging them to "go all the way (katy perry)" and call it "love" and they don't realise how music can really shape or warp their perceptions. it's sad that we'll be losing our youths to such promiscuous culture in the world if the parents aren't already doing a good job in instilling good values to them. the older they grow, the longer it takes and the harder it is for them to change.

i find this post depressingly long. talking to nic and wenxin about it sometimes makes us all really appalled when we read or hear of certain new compromises that we never witnessed while we were still in school. it's only been less than 10 years since we graduated together, and so many things have changed. but i guess... the longer and more determined you take your stand and convictions in Christ, the more you feel thankful that you are "old-fashioned" in a way, because being in this opal-ish world culture just makes everything such a "colourful" and sophisticated mess, that sometimes i really feel for the youths who come to a point where they seem to not know what to believe in anymore.

2011-01-20T11:05:00.003+08:00

praise God! He gave me the social work module just 2 days ago! and i had 5 minutes to select my tutorial after i found out (thank God for roshni who reminded me), so it was the most exciting thing that happened that day! i guess i'm on my way to being a social work minor! so far the lectures have been rather enjoyable and refreshing...

went for a recording at "singapore talking" just yesterday night, and they recorded 2 episodes back to back with dinner in between. it was really nice to finally see the news radio DJ (Bharati Jagdish) in person after listening to her almost every morning for the past 2 years. really admire people who can do talkshows so well. the 2 topics were "are Singaporeans overly affectionate?" and "singapore's gambling issues".

have to get to school soon so i'll blog in detail next time!

c'mon CORS system, don't do this to me...

2011-01-17T22:54:00.002+08:00

today's the first day of the week! whoopee.

still no news on the CORS appeal results... my patience's still tested. i really don't know what to do with only 4 modules at this time of the sem. all i can do is wait!

as the post title bears the rather lamenting spirit already, i shall not further complain. i have no idea what i'm supposed to learn from this very bad mistake, but for now i know i have to keep my ears open and my mouth shut.

more updates to come...

it really helps to meditate phil 4:8 now! especially when i cannot help but not pay attention during lectures because of the wonderful accents my lecturers carry. there're just so many weird things about school, i kid you not.

true, ..honest, ..just, ..pure, ..lovely, ..good report... think on these things...

hiatus

2011-01-16T22:51:00.002+08:00

expectedly, blog shall be on hiatus again.... will update as and when i'm not planning on sticking my face into a book.

mind gone a'wandering

2011-01-15T21:23:00.003+08:00

i've been wandering in my wilderness for the past week. told a few of my school friends who noticed i was in a rather complete daze by the time friday came that i felt crazy and couldn't believe school has returned. let me just share the few things that happened in the past week.

1) i got outbidded for thai 3, which made me upset at first because i was short of a module. usually i take 5 every semester and i would have a backup just in case. so at that point, i was not only short of bidding points, but i was also clueless as to what i should take. i thought i'd just wait till bidding rounds were over and i'd just appeal to thai 3. but after a while i recalled talks (about a possible profession in helping people on top of working in the academic area) that i had with pastor and a friend, and the next day a senior recommended social work as a module i could secure, just in case i didn't get my thai 3 module. so i thought i'd give social work 101 a try and i got it and was soooo happy...

2) went for my singapore studies lecture the next day, when bidding rounds were already over. i realised that they had lab sessions that clashed with my core modules. being optimistic, i hoped that there were other people such as i who had timetable clashes, and therefore asked the lecturer if he could open another lab for me. he said plainly that it was not possible, and that i had to drop the module. so... this was where i started panicking. i immediately left the lecture theatre (and left my poor friend behind), dropped the module and thus leaving me with 4 again... and went to appeal online for another module. bear in mind, i had no clue what i could take. it was the worst thing that's happened to me (admin-wise, disaster) because i had never been this careless before. praying for a module to come to mind, i narrowed the possibilities down to my core math modules or a possible social work module, since i was considering minoring in it. cut the long-boring-and-painful process short, i decided on social work, with second choice being thai 3. i think if i got thai 3 this time, i would feel extremely disappointed because i may have to delay my graduation by one semester. that means extra school fees... and i would never want to add that financial burden unnecessarily...

this is a situation you won't want to find yourself in on the very first week of school. i guess in the midst of panicking and worrying, i really lost myself. i told some friends (when i felt like being optimistic) that i know God has the best for me, but at the back of my head i wasn't very sure. then, i guess that's where trust in Him comes in. and i've heard that "when God takes something away from you, He'll give you something better in return". we won't be sure what the better thing is unless we are willing to be patient enough to wait and see. but we know how certain internal conflicts happen within... that's why i needed to blog.

was talking to a friend over dinner today, and i felt that i was really tired of worrying and tired of feeling mentally messed up on the first week of school. new year resolutions were just out of the question for me, cuz i barely had the mood or the time to sit down and be quiet enough to get the simplest things done. seeing how distressed i was and sharing with me how messed up she feels sometimes too, she reminded me to take it one day at a time. cuz in life, i'm never going to be able to do everything right, but these things happen so that we can completely place our burdens at His feet and not worry that anything's too small for Him or too big for Him. if i never messed up, i would probably never see the need to come to Him. so thank God for mess...

i realise i like to put measurements to the things i do. it's one of those things math-y people do, i think- just particularly calculative at every possible thing. but i really really thank God for a friend who reminded me to do my quiet time and that the quality of it was more important than the quantity. i did read ODJ (our daily journey) everyday on the train, but i never felt like i had the proper environment to think and reflect and write (cuz i don't normally get a seat on the train). i'm so thankful that God's provided my dear friend to help me as i start disciplining myself to wake up (much) earlier to spend quality time with Him. in this current mess i'm in, i'm grateful to know and see that people care... and most of all, that He cares!

wanted to continue on "byebye teenhood" 2007, but i realised i had over a hundred posts to choose from... i marvel at how much "wiser" i was back then about prayer. this is my "older self" speaking to me (and reprimanding me) now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Workman's Shame- 21st March 2007

this is what i do in the morning before i get to school:

1) get up
2) wash up and get changed
3) wake my bro up
4) stuff a bread in my mouth
5) pray
6) leave house

this is a summary of the 11 things i do after i get home from school which is around 4-5:

1) bathe
2) shout at my siblings if they watch tv
3) shoo them into the study room
4) use computer for about 30 mins
5) study and revise work
6) eat dinner
7) homework and filing
8) read the papers
9) pack my bag
10) pray
11) sleep

realised that about 90% of our day's spent on work and school. not much of an interesting routine either. realise what's missing in my schedule? QT.

no time for quiet time. if you realised, i only "pray" before i sleep. studying school stuff is important.. and so is studying God's word. only difference is, one of these 2 sources of knowledge lasts for eternity.

this post is a self-reflection for me... i hope it is for others too. spend at least 30 mins on quiet time a day. i tried doing it at night... apparently it isn't as effective as doing it in the morning. so sleep early, wake up early and do your quiet time! it helps. i've tried doing it in the morning... once. :(

having a relationship with God is just like having a relationship with other people. it's a 2-way thing. we can't expect God to just answer our prayers all the time without us knowing who He truly is. quiet time for me, is a time where God speaks to me through His word. it makes me understand what it means to "have a Friend in Jesus", like we always sing.

do quiet time not with the attitude of being obliged to do it... instead, find joy in reading God's word every morning. if you haven't tried disciplining yourself to doing this for 1 week in a row, you wouldn't experience any joy. because your heart's probably some place else. so set your heart upon God and i'm sure we'll be fine because we're always watched by Him. :)

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. --2 Timothy 2:15

2011-01-14T09:29:00.002+08:00

(from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers)

When He was alone . . . the twelve asked Him about the parable —Mark 4:10

Our Solitude with Him. Jesus doesn’t take us aside and explain things to us all the time; He explains things to us as we are able to understand them. The lives of others are examples for us, but God requires us to examine our own souls. It is slow work— so slow that it takes God all of time and eternity to make a man or woman conform to His purpose. We can only be used by God after we allow Him to show us the deep, hidden areas of our own character. It is astounding how ignorant we are about ourselves! We don’t even recognize the envy, laziness, or pride within us when we see it. But Jesus will reveal to us everything we have held within ourselves before His grace began to work. How many of us have learned to look inwardly with courage?

We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves. That is always the last bit of pride to go. The only One who understands us is God. The greatest curse in our spiritual life is pride. If we have ever had a glimpse of what we are like in the sight of God, we will never say, “Oh, I’m so unworthy.” We will understand that this goes without saying. But as long as there is any doubt that we are unworthy, God will continue to close us in until He gets us alone. Whenever there is any element of pride or conceit remaining, Jesus can’t teach us anything. He will allow us to experience heartbreak or the disappointment we feel when our intellectual pride is wounded. He will reveal numerous misplaced affections or desires— things over which we never thought He would have to get us alone. Many things are shown to us, often without effect. But when God gets us alone over them, they will be clear.

His Solitude with Us. When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship— when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us. Notice Jesus Christ’s training of the Twelve. It was the disciples, not the crowd outside, who were confused. His disciples constantly asked Him questions, and He constantly explained things to them, but they didn’t understand until after they received the Holy Spirit (see John 14:26).

As you journey with God, the only thing He intends to be clear is the way He deals with your soul. The sorrows and difficulties in the lives of others will be absolutely confusing to you. We think we understand another person’s struggle until God reveals the same shortcomings in our lives. There are vast areas of stubbornness and ignorance the Holy Spirit has to reveal in each of us, but it can only be done when Jesus gets us alone. Are we alone with Him now? Or are we more concerned with our own ideas, friendships, and cares for our bodies? Jesus cannot teach us anything until we quiet all our intellectual questions and get alone with Him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this one really hit the bullseye for me. i can be quite a mule-ish child of God... and i remember nic telling me before that pride's one of the most "disgusting" traits to have. i kinda realised when you have it, you refuse to admit that you do have it- because of it. how funny...

hope it spoke to you too as you read it. it makes me treasure my quiet time even more, and get the most out of every single day as i can. :)

2011-01-10T02:07:00.007+08:00

~He knows my name~
written based on Matthew 11:28-29
-"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Something tells me you are hurting
something tells me you're in pain
I can see it in your eyes-
even when you don't say a thing

Something tells me you want peace
or any sort of relief
and I know I can't give it to you
but I know Someone who could
if only you would just

go to Him
with your heavily-burdened weary soul
pray and ask from Him who knows your name
and place your life in His control
all you have to do is go to Him
-yesterday, today, forever the same
He's the one that you should know
He will never let you go
and don't forget- He knows your name.

Something tells me you are angry
you've told me, "life's unfair"
I don't know what to say
Cuz i've felt the same before

Something tells me you want blessing
or some assurance that you're doing the right thing
"why is this happening to me, Lord?"
And He points to the promises in His word
now He's asking you-

"come to Me,
and lay down every burden at my feet
I won't forget you and I know your name,
my love for you has never changed.
all you have to do is come to Me,
-with your hurts, your pains, your guilt, your shame;
you will never be alone
I will never let you go
and don't forget- I know your name"

-------------------------------------------------------------

it's not an emo song, friends.

just wrote this for a sister in particular, (but other people came to mind as well) whom i know i can't promise to be there for this year, though i wish i could. this is a song that highlights God's Sovereignty and Love in our very humanly emotions amidst helpless situations. it's for myself and for them... the fact and the inspiration of this song is that God is our Shepherd and He calls us by our name. and the very truth that He intercedes for us should provide the necessary rest for our souls as we go through another year of work for Him! it's not something we should dread at the end of the day :) because we know where we'll end up... mp3 version, God-willing, will be out if i'm daring enough...

byebye teenhood (2006)

2011-01-09T20:15:00.004+08:00

this blog started when i was 16. actually had another one prior to this and i impulsively deleted it for some reason. anyway, as i read the past entries like a storybook, i thought i'd refresh my memory (and whoever reads) on how God has blessed me significantly in my walk these past 5 years of teenhood. about time i reminded myself (again) that i'm (sadly) no longer a teen... but of course this post is mainly to count the blessings that He's so graciously given to me through the hard lessons and joyful moments of having learnt or experienced God's love and goodness.

YF played a crucial role in my development, so did my secondary school (PLMGSS). i cannot thank God more as i read the entries...

----------------------------------------------------
angels in heaven rejoice! -7th sept 2006

just a few hours left to go before prelims start... i'm already starting to crumble like a cookie under pressure. have been pretty stressed lately... but i'm glad i've got God's word to keep me going. i have to thank God for an event that happened...

recently, classmates have been asking me and another friend lots of questions about christianity and God. i prayed about who to talk to first... and God led me to talk to my partner. it kinda started out when one day she wrote a letter to me... and from there, i got to introduce God to her.

i really thank God for her... if not for her, i wouldn't have the chance to look through my witnessing material... and i never knew how useful the bible was until i really used it this time. i'm making it a point to memorise the verses that are very important for evangelism. thanks to her, i've already got my own compiled version of evangelism material!

thank God for one bigger thing... my friend emailed me this morning with her decision-she needs God. I am feeling so happy for her!

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." --John 15:8

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."--Luke 15:10

this year, being a crucial year as it's O levels, is the year also to feel the urgency to tell my friends about Christ. though it is hard to manage my time between this and studies, God guided me and gave me results that i know i didn't exactly deserve.... God is gracious. and now, His word has won the heart of my friend. God's plan is truly good.

----------------------------------------------------------

love is... -24th sept 2006

tomorrow's the day the results start flooding out. i'm praying for an accepting heart for whatever results come out :)

guess this previous week i have been slightly depressed... sorry to those whom i've vented my frustration on. i'm pretty much fine now... thanks to the hope that i have in God. thanks jaime and jasmine for being so close to me!! don't know what i'd do without you two. =)

i guess the people that you're close to really makes a whole lot of difference in your life. i got to experience God's love through attending YF and making new friends last year. this year, no different. my classmates really love to build each other up using God's word... and each time i get encouraged in a different way.

i have discovered that these friends always draw you closer to God too. it's through these beautiful moments where you get to experience the love between brothers and sisters in Christ.

so to my friends, especially jaime and jasmine, keep our friendship growing in the Lord! :) love y'all!! =)

----------------------------------------------------------
O LEVELS ARE OVER!!! -17th nov 2006

whoa... O levels are FINALLY OVER. but it was kinda sudden for everyone... it's like, "YAY!... hmm... okay, so what should i do first?" everyone was happy but a little stunned 'cause no one could believe it.

i felt dizzy yesterday. can you imagine... half a month of studying and all of a sudden, no more books to look at. it felt weird for me not to study all of a sudden. hahah. anyway, my ulcer got worse today and i woke up with sausage lips.

but things are getting better. my pimples are starting to decrease in numbers and i've got no more gastric pains. whoohaa. :D as for what i'd plan to do during the holidays... well, it's time to lose the weight that i have gained! exercise~ :D

tomorrow will be the official day where i step back into the mandarin worship room for YF after approx. 1 year of waiting. believe me, i've dreamt of different versions of me stepping into the YF room... can't remember most of them, but i know i dreamt alot about YF. some were scary and some were weird. can't wait to go back. but i hope i haven't missed out on too much.

jaime finishes her paper today!!! HI JAIME~ will be waiting for long-awaited exclamations and shouts for joy in your smses. HI JASMINE~ thanks for praying for me and jaime... you've been such a great pal. see you both on sunday!

----------------------------------------------------------
SS camp 2006 -8th Dec 2006

i managed to squeeze the words of my testimony into 1 page, but of course i had more to say about the people that i really appreciate in the camp.

God has truly been good to me and i'm sure to everyone else as well in SS camp. As i was on the way home, i couldn't help but cry a little, thinking about how blessed i am to have friends who care about me and pray for me. i was mostly touched to realise God will always show Himself to be real in my life.. just that i was blinded by my problems that i failed to see this.

thank God for shelia especially, because she has helped me tremendously doing her duty as a mentor. i told her the problems i had and she provided me a different perspective when i said i thought that God was not real in my life. she's also a role model that i look up to, one who is observant to the people around her and one who really cares for others. really really thank God for her being a blessing to me during the camp. thanks shelia.. :)

i feel blessed too to know hannah, my other beloved mentor. i first met her when we went tracting in YF together a week ago. i was surprised and happy to know that she turned out to be one of the mentors of my group. thank God for her gentleness and humour which really made a difference in my group. thanks hannah... :)

thank God too for my cousin mentor marcus. when we have family dinners, we don't usually talk that much so i don't exactly know him very well. but happened so that he was my mentor, i got to know him as a very matured and encouraging person. a favourite playmate among my younger cousins, i think of him as flexible and adaptable to the people he knows. thanks marcus... :)

learnt alot during the messages. things that i never knew. i learnt that we should focus more on God when we face our problems and not limit God's power in our minds when we face problems that we think are big. but nothing can separate us from the love of God. so we should not doubt what He can do.

----------------------------------------------------------
YF camp 2006 -15th Dec 2006

thank God for being gracious to all who attended YF camp 06! it was truly a great experience for me, being in my first YF camp. thank God for being Jehovah Jireh, our Provider who provided the food and good weather and great friends.

messages were on 'true friendship' and i really learnt a whole lot during the messages. esp from the example of David and Jonathan from the bible. thank God for having taught me on how to be a good friend to those around me and to be a good friend to Jesus. truly, the only best friend that i can ever have would be Jesus.

jaime and jasmine were found labouring in the kitchen most of the time till their sweat glands were squeezed dry. so what was i doing, being alone and isolated from my 2 close friends when they were cooking? i formed closer friendships with the others!

from casual friends (L2), me and the other 20 and 21 year olds started to bond and move towards close friends (L3)... quite unexpected for someone like me, knowing that i'm prone to being a bit quiet around older people. but thank God for getting to know them better. now i get how even close friendship can be formed between people of a relatively big age difference.

thank God for the wonderful experiences during the camp and for the stressing moments in camp that i never really got to experience anyway (but i'm saying it on the behalf of the others). thank God in particular for Darrell who still maintained his sense of humour even when he faced stressful situations. when the time comes for me to be in the committee for some other event, i'll really have to look and learn alot from the committee members of this camp.

thank God for He is the Great I Am... and has shown to be real in all our lives. i was touched to hear some of the stories told by some of the youths during the nightwalk. it's really wonderful to hear the testimonies of others where God is concerned and how He has made their lives change for the better (Rom 8:28).

well, there are many other things that i can thank God for but for now, these are the key points.

oh yea... God is... GOOD.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(to be continued...)

every virtue we possess

2011-01-03T23:40:00.002+08:00

below is a powerful message that i read from "my utmost for His highest". through knowing how vulnerable and imperfect we are, we learn to draw strength and the necessary virtues we are to possess from God Himself and acknowledge that everything we have comes from Him and Him alone. our abilities to endure trials, tolerate unlovable people, or ability to do anything that's related to being "better than others" in a particular way- are absolutely not by our own efforts and we cannot take credit for any of it. how humbling to read of this!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(taken from http://utmost.org/and-every-virtue-we-possess/)

. . . All my springs are in you —Psalm 87:7

Our Lord never “patches up” our natural virtues, that is, our natural traits, qualities, or characteristics. He completely remakes a person on the inside— “. . . put on the new man . . .” In other words, see that your natural human life is putting on all that is in keeping with the new life. The life God places within us develops its own new virtues, not the virtues of the seed of Adam, but of Jesus Christ. Once God has begun the process of sanctification in your life, watch and see how God causes your confidence in your own natural virtues and power to wither away. He will continue until you learn to draw your life from the reservoir of the resurrection life of Jesus. Thank God if you are going through this drying-up experience!

The sign that God is at work in us is that He is destroying our confidence in the natural virtues, because they are not promises of what we are going to be, but only a wasted reminder of what God created man to be. We want to cling to our natural virtues, while all the time God is trying to get us in contact with the life of Jesus Christ— a life that can never be described in terms of natural virtues. It is the saddest thing to see people who are trying to serve God depending on that which the grace of God never gave them. They are depending solely on what they have by virtue of heredity. God does not take our natural virtues and transform them, because our natural virtues could never even come close to what Jesus Christ wants. No natural love, no natural patience, no natural purity can ever come up to His demands. But as we bring every part of our natural bodily life into harmony with the new life God has placed within us, He will exhibit in us the virtues that were characteristic of the Lord Jesus.

And every virtue we possess
Is His alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

another year is dawning...

2010-12-30T11:56:00.003+08:00

haven't blogged for more than 2 months! it's been a wonderful time spent during this holidays though! never had a more fulfilling time spent with friends, and family (this time overseas) doing so many things together! i think our society just doesn't permit for us to have fun together on normal days... either that or enjoyment ain't one of our priorities. just came back from korea and the tour guide was telling us how fast the pace of life is in korea. singaporeans may walk slightly slower than koreans but still, we're kinda getting there. how sad...

i have to thank God for so many things! probably 2 months worth that i have to type out, but here's what i really am grateful for:
-family had a great holiday together!
-grandma's voice is getting brighter, means lesser phlegm
-grandpa's temper doesn't seem that bad nowadays
-enjoyed serving in the YF thoroughly this past year... going to miss this current exco!
-had a couple of good reunions with classmates
-being able to talk to one of my best pals over the phone almost every night after exams ended!
-exams didn't go as well as i thought, but God is gracious and gave me grades i didn't deserve once again
-that God's been patient with me through 2010
-that i got to learn so many things about myself and others through different circumstances
-that i learnt how to rely on Him 24/7 and not only when all else fails
-that i got the privilege to disciple and spend more quality time with people i felt burdened for

shared at a gathering that this year had all the worst and best things happening. i needed the worst things so that in comparison with the best, put everything together- 2010 has been a very very good year of learning, crying, laughing, ruining, building, recycling and renewing. i can't think of any better way to describe the year.

may 2011 be an even better year to praise God and to learn what He has in store for me. it's so wonderful to know that i have yet to discover something... and i feel that because i have no clue what my future holds! when everyone in school tells you to go out there and secure something, i think i'm just going out there not knowing whether the ground beneath me will rock and break and swallow me up the next second... and i won't know where my next step will take me. but i'm assured, that as long as i'm in His hands, no one can take me away from where He will want me to go-underground or overseas. i have this picture in my mind, and i'm so glad i found the closest one to my image on google!
mine's actually a standing man, but this one's close enough. it also reminds me to rest in Him, and not worry like the rest of the world. :)

finally found a verse that shall be my new theme for 2011! or more like the verse found me! haha.. i remember trying to memorise this verse on the train (which took really long) whilst reading "before you meet prince charming" for YF bible study. and this verse decided to come back to me several times again through sermons or devotionals (after i forgot the verse).

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."- Phil 4:8

sis charissa's taught me to meditate on verses. but i've been on a discipline low battery.. shall start by re-memorising this verse!

as for this year's verse..

"Having your conversation honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation." -1 Peter 2:12

it's been a constant reminder time and time again that as long as there're people i'm in charge of or things i'm responsible for (which will be so for a looong loooong time), i'm to be the best example that represents Christ so that they may see and glorify God in heaven (matt 5:16)... of course i've countlessly failed time and time again... but may this continue to remind me that persevering in trying my best to be perfect like Him is worth it when He finally returns!

now, there're just a couple of things i want to do by tmr, just before 2011... time to get to work! see you readers (whoever you are), next year!

2010-10-11T09:32:00.003+08:00

Hiatus is broken! I've fallen ill for the 3rd or 4th time this semester. Stress? Think so. I hardly know my limits till i really push it.

Anw, alot of my recent qt has been about doing more work than giving God His deserved glory where we are. Could identify with nic when she told me how the youths she's in contact with are all so segregated and cliquish now. And i noticed that in my own larger circle, quite a number used to be so much closer to each other. She said "Now school and exams have drawn most of us apart. It's sad to see how the singapore education system really impedes spiritual growth and fellowship. It's super hard to glorify God in singapore because school is a horrible major distraction." Esp when being a uni student, it's really a constant crazy rat race. I've never worked myself harder than i have this sem. And it's at the total expense of my health... So something's wrong somewhere... I feel like i have to measure myself according to this question: Is my best good enough for God? And not if my best is good enough for singapore's crazy education system.

Comforting reminder to just do our best for God. We cant succeed in every aspect anyway.

Time to recuperate. It's gonna be a crazy october if i dont recover or trust God to help me! Thank God for friends who prayed with me when i really needed assurance. This verse also really helped me concede to the fact that God's interests are normally different from ours. But He'll be there to see me through every day.

Philippians 4:19- But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

2010-08-21T10:39:00.002+08:00

finally.. i've fallen sick!! if it sounds like i've been waiting for it... i have! it's been eons since i've been ill, by God's grace. with 3 hours of travelling in crowded peak hour trains and buses, i won't be surprised if i caught a substantial amount of germs everyday... just used up an entire tissue box! time to build up my immunity level again!!

this post shall be my hiatus post for this sem. i usually start my blogging hiatus mid-sem, but looking at the current plate of commitments i have, it has to start now. and that means i'll be posting offline (aka writing) more... haven't gotten used to writing after 3 months of over-relaxed fingers...

what shall i post about on this gloomy, wet saturday morning with an irritated, runny nose...

my hopes for this sem?
-that DG will make an impact on the gals that i'm taking
-more consistent study and QT
-lesser last minute chionging
-more reliance on God
-more enjoyment and fulfilment in service
-more quality time with family and friends
-put certain burdens/passions that i have to good use
-that this will be the last time i fall sick within a sem

talked to my SM yesterday and i guess alot of things are at the back of my head but i'm not ready to "solve" them yet. cuz timing's everything. and i'm still learning... but thank God for her sharing on how she handled a situation similar to mine. though wisdom may not come from experience, sometimes what she says reflects what alot of other older people tell me... and the constant repetition can just drive me crazy. i need to be more in tune with "what i have to do" rather than "what i'd rather do"! again it's a 'need to', but it's whether i 'want to'.

till the sem continues, i won't know exactly how drained i'll be, but i'll be trusting God entirely for the rest of the year! (again, my yearly and early apologies go out to the YF exco cuz i'll be more busy during exam periods. thank God we don't have YF camp this year :P)

and i end here with:

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves."-Philippians 2:3

"Delight thyself in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thy heart." -Psalm 37:4

byebye (blog)world...

the Holy Spirit is Real...

2010-08-15T21:05:00.006+08:00

i've been tempted to go drinking once or twice before last year. doesn't seem like a big deal with some of my acquaintances who drink alcohol like a daily necessity...

recently i almost complied to going with 2 friends, who shall remain anonymous. both have different convictions on the issue, but i was the one who started the possibility of even going- by telling them i was curious to try. i was pretty enthusiastic about it because i really wanted to get a few things off my mind. so the date was set and i was mentally prepared, despite having done devotions in the morning train...

i got back home after that, and while bathing, a verse popped into my head-

"be not drunk with wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit"

shucks, i thought... but i decided that i was just giving myself excuses not to go. not like i'll get drunk anyway right. besides, having already told my friends, it would be just totally bad for me to quit on them on the day i agreed and initiated the outing. plus they're quite close to me.. so i brushed the verse off.

the next day, i didn't intentionally want to think of anything bible related but my crusade senior's words came to me first... "know your convictions. once you know and hold fast to them, then no one can change you or the way you think". so what was my stand?

then i remember attending precept clases on Daniel and one of the lessons that taught me most was how "Daniel did not defile himself". at this point i was already starting to go like, God- is that you talking to me?

"your body is the temple of God" came next...

in most of the books i've read in the 3 month holiday, they talked about addictions and how God's word always solves every single one of them. this one i remember telling a kid who wanted to experiment smoking... and here i was facing that dilemma myself.

God's word didn't come like lightning and thunder. and speaking of that, thank God i wasn't struck dead like Ananias and Sapphira though i probably would've deserved it... i realised after these many verses that the Holy Spirit was there all along chiding me in a rather firm way. my close friend says it's like getting slapped. yes, i got slapped on the face with all the memory verses and words spoken by people who've meant alot to me as spiritual guides. it's comforting that He's in me, and i can testify this because of that.

cut the longer story short, God provided a way for me to answer to both of my friends... He sort of raised up another problem which i had a higher desperation to solve, and the time where i planned to go drinking with them was the best time to do it. sometimes in wanting to make things right, we've got to compromise. and i can totally be best friends with that word.

i hope my 2 friends who read this don't think that i'm in any way against them for wanting to bring me out. please don't get me wrong, buddies!!!

their convictions are separate from mine, and i'm responsible for what i've grown up learning at home and in church. that initiation was my responsibility, and my mistake. i'm blogging this to be make my conviction on alcohol "public", so that the next time i ever wish to go drinking i'll think twice about initiating or saying yes... thank God for making a way out, and for even giving one of my 2 friends an experience of having to stop underaged juniors from drinking at a chalet... i'm sure that wasn't by chance...

like my mentor would always tell me, there're other more edifying ways to spend time with your friends. may this be an encouragement to those who're struggling with doing what's right no matter how hard a time you're having. and be comforted that the Holy Spirit is definitely more Living and Real than any warning system you know of... the best thing is that He's always in you.

2010-08-09T22:47:00.006+08:00

while tutorial timetabling's driving me nuts right now, i thought i'd just take a moment to blog, release my energy, and learn to be optimistic.

school starts tmr! looking forward to mugging again!

...wow, that sounded convincing.

numbering off my thoughts....

1) God's proved Himself to be real to me this holidays. i know there's going to be more of Him i'll experience in this coming sem. i can't wait to start serving in new ways in crusade!! so much to learn!!!!! can't wait to start jamming with vig and jac during our free time :) gals, you have my word, we'll start as soon as tutorial balloting ends!!!! (with a very low freq per month, i forsee though.)

2) going to meet more freshies and strangers on wed during vision tea. praying that crusade will grow in numbers from that day onward... the bulk of crusade graduated last sem! total ageing population...

3) i'm feeling quite tired now to be honest, no matter how optimistic i want to be. signs of STM showing up. to say the least, it's been a really "eventful" holiday. and i can only pray and trust that God will lead me in this coming sem to manage my energy and time.

4) going to miss my dear friend wenxin when she's gone. meeting again for our very last bible study this week. it's the 2nd navigators book we've completed since she accepted Christ in 2006. quite a feat considering we had a year's worth of hiatus... that being said, i'm so thankful to God and encouraged by how she's grown thus far!! can't wait to see what God has in store for her life in the US... really excited for you, dearest buddy!

5) i still hold on to the statement i've posted on facebook not too long ago-

"certain things have to die first before there's growth."

but may God remind me to keep praying no matter how natural a dying process may seem. (please pardon the attempt to be optimistic cuz i'm talking about dying and all that here. but it's all figurative, yea?)

6) finally got back to studying Job yesterday. got a reminder of keeping eternity's values in view when we suffer on earth. i've been seeing the lessons i learnt in Job popping randomly everywhere. like literally, i saw a booklet lying in my house and it was on suffering and based on Job. and certain lessons that stand out really stick to my mind, like from John 9 where the disciples ask Jesus why the man was born blind, and He said that it's so that God may be glorified.

i may not be suffering like how Job did, but i know God wants to remind me to look to Him even when i am entangled in the worries and struggles i face. though i'm blessed with an ability to multitask as a girl (sis charissa always says that), sometimes my focus can only be in one place. and very often between trials and God, trials would unfortunately win my attention.

so, once again, God please help me.

bidding...

2010-08-05T00:05:00.003+08:00

ever wanted something so bad that you'd do anything to get it?

i got my cosmology module at the expense of my MCQ-final-paper-for-econs module. could've been smarter about the bidpoints. but thank God i got something out of the 2 anyways!

yeppp it's not so bad.... kccpkhun prajao if it's His will for me to take phasaa thay again! :)

personal reminder to pray about going to chiangmai in december! i really want to see Apple and Parn again!

2010-08-04T13:13:00.007+08:00

maybe it's the usual mind degradation process that happens during long slacking holidays, causing the idle mind to be the devil's workshop... whatever it is, i've begun reminding myself again that sermons are meant for self-examination. having realised that i've been decreasingly self-critical, i'm really thankful for what i've learnt last weekend which i'm about to type here. it's gonna be a long one. in the words of Kay Arthur, "hang on, oh baby."

last sunday Pastor preached on "Lest Satan should get an advantage of us (Part 2)".

quite sad that i missed part 1 because this one really spoke volumes. my lit teacher told me once that repetition often means emphasis. who knew that what i learnt in last week's gist of my quiet time, which was on Christ's protests to Peter, would be once again talked about during sunday's sermon. i include excerpts from my quiet time material and from Pastor's notes:
___________________________________________________________

Matt 16:23a - "He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me."

'-Satan took advantage of the Apostle Peter.

-Peter was speaking words that reminded Jesus of Satan, though superficially his statement meant well.

-Satan would have loved to thwart God's plan and not want Jesus to die and resurrect.

-Satan sought other opportunities to tempt Jesus and now placed into Peter's mind the same ideas he had tempted the Lord with: the plan of redemption is too hard; support me and realise my way is superior to God's.

-Stumbling block is from the Greek skandalon, originally denoting an animal trap and its bait. The word later came to refer to the luring of a person into captivity or destruction. Peter had become Satan's instrument to trap Jesus on His way to the cross.

-we must be careful not to discourage the Lord's servant from doing the Lord's will. Be careful to what we say to one another, especially to those who are determined on doing God's will. Do not say words that will hinder them.'

Matt 16:23b- "you are not setting your mind on God's interests, but man's."

'-With this statement Jesus gives the reason Peter became an agent of Satan; he was reasoning from his sinful, finite mind, trusting in his own perspective rather than God's. When believers focus solely on themselves and their worries, they become easy victims for Satan's traps and can also ensnare others.

-Thus James writes, "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." (James 1:2-4)

-God's plan of redemption doesn't correspond to humanity's. People insist on their own kind of Messiah and on coming to God on their own terms. But mankind's fallen propensities never lead to saving faith. To reject the cross is to reject Christ, no matter how much people might profess Him and praise Him.

-there is pain in the divine refining process. Christ calls His disciples to share His suffering and cross. He exhorts them to deny themselves and take up their crosses as they follow Him (Matt 16:24). To produce spiritual gold from believers, God must first burn off their sinful dross. Through the prophet He declares, "I will... refine them as silver is refined, and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them." (Zech 13:9a)'

Others whom Satan tried to take advantage /took advantage of:

1) Eve (Genesis 3:1-6) -Satan caused doubt by presenting contradictions to God's words to Eve.
2) Cain (Genesis 4:4-5) -Satan took advantage of his anger and jealousy which caused Cain to perpetrate murder.
3) King David (1 Chronicles 21:1-4) -David's taking of a census showed pride and caused God's displeasure. Satan was the one who provoked David to number Israel. Innocent exercise instigated by Satan.
4) Apostle Paul (1 Thessalonians 2:18) -Satan tried to take advantage of him. But he warns the Thessalonians by telling them to expect Satan's resistance. If there is no resistance from Satan, it is most likely that our service is not effective for God.
5) Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11)- Satan puts desires into their hearts, causing them to be dishonest about the sum of money they were giving. Don't put on a show and give the impression that we're giving more than what we're already giving to God. Deadly consequences.
6) Jesus (Matt 4:1-11)- Satan tried to tempt Jesus with the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. Jesus resisted and overcame Satan by using God's word.

[taken from Daily Readings from the Life of Christ by John MacArthur and Pastor's notes]
___________________________________________________________

Pastor was speaking was from 2 Cor 2:5-11. the powerful thing about it was it's context: restoring the one among the brethren who offends. in other words- to love even my enemies. (the lesson that's been repeatingly EMPHASISED this whole month!) the main gist of it is that if we do not forgive that brother, we may be used as instruments of Satan to be a stumbling block. my mentor reminded me once that forgiveness is very much one-way. it's a release from the strong bind of all negative emotions towards the offender once we choose to forgive.

lastly, one of the powerful (can't think of another adjective) things that i can't get out of my mind is the reminder of how Satan penetrates and 'psychoes' us. for the non-christians, it's by deception- where Satan brings in other alternative gods for them to worship. for the christians, it's by false accusations- where Satan brings in doubts and fears of being unworthy as the humans that we are to serve a Holy and Righteous God. reality: Satan's out there to seek and destroy. learnt that i can live in denial of it and become used by him, or i can seek to examine myself more often and transform into Christ-likeness.

busy sem ahead, God help me to focus!

thanks nic for sending me this verse... it shall be my theme for school this sem. :]

Phil 2:3- "let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves."

success!!!

2010-07-30T22:43:00.005+08:00

cooked spaghetti and shepherd's pie today. prayed before preparing and before eating. HAHA. hey, it worked!! yayy! mom says i passed!!! here's the evidence you've been waiting for, nic!!

the pasta sauce

the shepherd's pie (beef substituted with pork)

and both're edible!

2010-07-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

it's been eons since i've updated (thanks nic), so here goes, in backward chronological order as far as i can remember the important events that took place...

1) YF retreat just ended. praise God for answering the prayers of the exco. God answered in so many ways. i "forced" everyone to pray before we officially started the retreat. in the end, God really worked things out better than i expected! God answered by granting us the best weather ever, sufficient people and manpower, and meaningful conversations and opportunities to get to know each other. thank God for sis charissa and for the exco. indeed truly nothing successful would have been produced in our own strength. praise our God who's an awesome God!!!

2) NUS CCC FOC (pardon the acronyms) was also a great opportunity that God gave me to teach me to trust Him. leading worship in front of 100 people (having never done any worship leading before) was a total learning experience, preparing before and actually leading during the camp. thank God for the different people around me who taught me, encouraged me and reminded me on the important lesson on prayer. i remember praying and meditating on comforting verses after preparing, till about 3am before the day i had to lead worship. praise God for the struggles and His affirmation i sensed after leading!

okay, i can't remember anything else... sigh, this little mind of mine ain't working well... i have to adjust my biological clock soon before school starts. been in a constant zoned-out mode.

in the words of my dad, holidays have just happened and is soon gone in 'a twinkling of an eye'. 2 more weeks and counting... in fact, i just bidded for my modules! thank God for friends in math who reminded me the minimum number of math modules i have to take each sem, or else it'd be hard to do honours in my 4th year (whether i CMI or not). and as the ususl me would do, i take the total weirdo risk by choosing something totally crazy-- intro to philosophy. God willing i'll be taking 'understanding the universe' with my fellow dgmates too! what could be a better combination than math, philosophy and cosmology! woohoo!

so far, it's been a wonderful holiday. got to spend time with friends and family who mean alot to me, doing different things together ranging from just plain nua-ing to vigorous gyming. thank God for the different ways each of them make me smile :)

met up with HuiQi today for dinner! praise God for this ex-SM/nonsense partner of mine. the first question she asked me when we wanted to talk serious (we try very hard to) was, "so... are you still single?", which totally made me burst out laughing.

i remember being quite passionate about discipleship before i joined crusade. and just knowing HuiQi and watching her example increased that passion in me. it's amazing how she prays with such conviction. till today i'm truly inspired by how she prays with me after a conversation. on the topic of discipleship, she's also equally inspiring. true enough, she passed me a book today- 'the master plan of evangelism'. only got to meet up for an hour or so... and she said very seriously, "well.. whatever i want to say, it's in that book." haha...

told her a desire of mine since last year of wanting to be discipled by someone from church, but i wouldn't be for it if there's no one burdened to do so. wenxin and i talked today, and i told her that i've been learning to allow myself to be more reliant on God than on others. God's been teaching me through many ways recently on reliance and trust through prayer. i learnt- to know God's will, i have to know God personally and it is not necessary for me to be spoon-fed if my personal convictions in Christ aren't there in the first place.

as the sem starts, i'm actually filled with the same excitement and anxiety a freshman would feel stepping into a new school. except, my emotions come from still being in the same school, just having different (and more) expectations to meet and different commitments that i've decided to trust God to see me through in crusade. like most of my mentors tell me, it's all going to be a learning process. :) can't wait for another sem to begin... finally year 2! alas, i'm no longer fresh...

the coolest lesson yet.

2010-07-07T16:25:00.004+08:00

this week was the first lesson on revelations part 2 for me, though it was already lesson 7. managed to catch up on everything in 3 hours. dunno how i did it, but i did it. i'm glad i didn't miss this one. the lecture was really good and i want to share it here.

Exodus 30:1-5
"You shall make an altar on which to burn incense; you shall make it of acacia wood. A cubit shall be its length, and a cubit its breadth. It shall be square, and two cubits shall be its height. Its horns shall be of one piece with it. You shall overlay it with pure gold, its top and around its sides and its horns. And you shall make a molding of gold around it. And you shall make two golden rings for it. Under its molding on two opposite sides of it you shall make them, and they shall be holders for poles with which to carry it. You shall make the poles of acacia wood and overlay them with gold."

the main focus of the lecture was on the altar of incense. wait till you read the beautiful parallels it has to prayer...

Exodus 30:33-38-
The LORD said to Moses, "Take sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum, sweet spices with pure frankincense (of each shall there be an equal part), and make an incense blended as by the perfumer, seasoned with salt, pure and holy. You shall beat some of it very small, and put part of it before the testimony in the tent of meeting where I shall meet with you. It shall be most holy for you. And the incense that you shall make according to its composition, you shall not make for yourselves. It shall be for you holy to the LORD. Whoever makes any like it to use as perfume shall be cut off from his people."

1) Real prayer desires only God's perfect will.

God specifies the types and amounts of spices to place into the incense bowl. just like the wonderful fragrance of perfume that rises up to God, there's a wonderful beauty when our prayers line up with God's desires for us.

"Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."

2)Real prayer comes from a life that is broken and purified.

our spirit is to be refined and crushed like the spices. prayer here is most sincere and most in line with God's desires. our prayers when we go through trials and suffering cause us to remember who God is and we seek God's will. it is only when we're broken in spirit that we see how wicked we are in ourselves, and our prayers are able to be seen as pleasing to God.

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."- James 1:2-3

3) Real prayer will be vindicated one day.

an amazing thing i discovered was that the temple of God on earth (tabernacle) had a parallel with the one in heaven. the altar where all the incense and prayers come from and are collected, just might be the one that Rev 16 is talking about. God hears the cries of the saints. and when the time comes, his angels will pour the bowls that contain these prayers onto earth and cause the final destruction upon those who are responsible for the persecution of the saints and refuse to repent.

"And the seventh angel poured out his vial into the air; and there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, It is done. And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great." -Rev 16:17-18

i love revelations!!!! really helps me think about what really matters, and reflect on what i am doing with what i know...

pastor said this a couple of times, and i'll end this post with it:

life is short, death is sure.
only what's done for Christ will endure.

2010-07-02T22:54:00.006+08:00

evidence that my dad's progressively hard of hearing.

*phone rings*

me: hello?

dad: daniel ah?

me: no?

dad: carissa?

me: no...

dad: oh. rachel, what you all want to eat for dinner?

-----------------------------------------------------

july's going to be more and more exciting! with YF retreat coming up, and loads and loads of gatherings that somehow are squished within one week, coincidentally. i will survive! i've been waking up late everyday. have to readjust biological clock.

by God's grace, i'm now an SM! hope to learn as many things as possible and bring it back to galilee. so many things to learn about discipleship that i still do not know till i experience it!

i've been reading random verses lately. i really love how simple and poetic Ecclesiastes is. especially Chapter 3. and it's assuring just reading about how beautiful God's timing is for all our lives. :)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

2010-06-28T22:55:00.003+08:00

am currently doing my own study of Job this holidays.

shall share what i've learnt. the lesson today was entitled "angry at God". my closest friends would know that anger's something i struggle with and is thus the emotion i (of course) resent the most. it seems that all the lessons so far in Job are speaking to me just perfectly!

just a summary of the 3 chapters i studied:

Job 8: Bildad was giving (really bad) advice to Job, telling him that he's under God's wrath because he lacks integrity. He thinks he knows everything in order for him to explain Job's problems to him. He wasn't as sensitive as Eliphaz at the start of his speech to ask Job for permission to speak his thoughts, and just jumped right in to saying what he wanted to.

Job 9: Job was wondering why God let him go through life in pain rather than kill him at that moment as Job would have preferred it. He also asked why such injustice was on him. But he acknowledges that even if he were to be innocent, he would not be completely guiltless before God. He pleads for a mediator between him and God. this verse stood out for me...

"So who am I, that I should try to answer God or even reason with Him?"- Job 9:14

not that we completely give up talking to God, but that we will choose to accept whatever He gives us in life- the inexplainably good and bad.

Job 10: Job is angry that he is still alive.

the last question of the lesson was, 'how can knowing 1 Tim 2:5-6 make a difference when catastrophes come?'

"For there is one God and there is one who brings God and mankind together, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself to redeem all mankind. That was the proof at the right time that God wants everyone to be saved."- 1 Tim 2:5-6

reading this verse without knowing Job 9 would make it hard to answer the question. but thank God for helping me realise- through the "injustice" that Job went through and how he longed for a mediator- that Jesus experienced it Himself way before i experienced any injustice or undeserved pain.

He suffered injustice so we don't have to question injustice.

we can take it as it comes, just like Christ did, and still live to glorify God's name no matter how close to death we are.

praise God most of all for Christ's example, living examples on earth, and examples from the bible to follow!

school's starting soon! info on new term's gonna out on 7th July. so fast, it's scary... having an SM interview tmr... God's will be done!

2010-06-21T16:23:00.008+08:00

wasn't easy helping out fiona at creche yesterday! i realise how seldom i interact with kids below 5. it's so hard to control them when they're not eating... but it was fun playing with them when we took out the toys. haha. one of the kids came back into the classroom gave everyone older than him a hug before he left. he's so cuuuttteeee.... i don't remember being so brave. almost all the aunties in church knew me as the shy one hiding behind my mother's legs.

shall write on a subject that's been weighing on my heart and mind for the longest time. i'm sure some of my thoughts here are shared by some too... please feel free to comment. (but not at the tagboard please, cuz there's a word limit.)

was thinking on the way back from my tutee's place today and i recalled conversations i had with a friend at genting camp and another friend when i came back. both made me realise one thing- that the word 'training' (in terms of training up leaders) is often overused, misused and scarcely demonstrated. more often than not, it's synonymous to the shifting of responsibilities with minimal help induced to the one who's supposed to "learn". in what i observe today, there's hardly any follow-up action nor any real care for the one who's supposed to 'carry on with the baton'.

yet i think how people best learn, even from young, is through the example of the one who's (naturally or not) tasked to teach. used to remember my mom scolding me for not sweeping the floor properly when i was in primary school. she didn't just scold me and leave me there to do it alone, expecting me to do it right when i didn't even know what was correct for her. she would tell me that i'm wrong first, then demonstrated the right way to do it so that i knew how to follow. she wasn't going to leave me clueless as to how to sweep the floor. after she scolds, i would know i was doing wrong, but i wouldn't know what's right until and unless she showed me.

another point i feel strongly about is, not to expect 'the one to be taught' to ask questions. sometimes they may be afraid to, depending on the mutual relationship with the mentor. mentors have the very important responsibility to ask as well. if they don't, it might come across as indifference, pride, or that the welfare of the other person doesn't matter so much. maybe leading someone while having a heart of stone is worse than not leading anyone at all.

in my opinion, when we complaining about something or someone, we're just waiting for something to happen. in O level physics terms, we're not doing any work at all. no force and no distance= no work done. a few close friends i've talked to about this told me the same thing- what's the point of waiting and expecting? though it is tough to keep going without letting out some steam once in a while, i'm thankful for constant reminders from my friends 'not to burn out serving God', 'press on', that 'God will work in the things we (no longer just complain but) pray about in His time', and to 'do it all for Him- and that's what keeps you going'.

whether it's in campus ministry or church ministry, one thing i feel would benefit everyone involved is honest feedback. quite crudely put, it's better if it's on the spot and in the face. any kind of feedback would be useful. if the "worst feedback" we can get in our opinion is seen as disrespectful or offensive, then i guess we aren't ready to grow or change.

there's one thing i appreciate from campus crusade that i've experienced. after an event ministry (graduation/harvest week) is over, the student coordinators and full-time staff have a one-to-one talk. there's honest exchange of how the whole thing went, and what can be improved. one of the things that shocked me most was when a year 2 senior asked me last sem, "how do you think i could have done better?" i was stunned for a while and wanted to retreat and say "nothing, you did great" out of respect. but since she was really insistent on it, (and i did observe her closely with much in my head to say) i said it. and to my surprise she took it well and said that she was encouraged and she learnt alot from my feedback. and just a while ago, a full-time staff called me to talk to me about an event i ran just after school ended. it was really good that she shared her own thoughts too. i never felt like i was shielded from something i shouldn't know. i'm thankful for her sincere intentions to help me grow even though she's only a casual friend to me.

so what helps? a balance of honest opinion and encouragement. too much encouragement alone is delusional. too much of feedback only becomes discouraging and makes all look hopeless.

so... are we being delusional and discouraging back where we're serving?
are we too used to being praised? are we looking for praise?
do we look for feedback at all?
how're we accountable to God and the people He puts in our way?
can we change them? or should we change ourselves first...

we're very much guilty of being hypocrites if the thoughts in our minds and words from our mouths don't match...

my theme verse echoes my current burden...

"Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation."-- 1 Peter 2:12

many thoughts in one go...

2010-06-17T22:54:00.005+08:00

one of my favourite contemporary worship songs back in sec sch and JC...

i haven't blogged about camp. so here goes!

thanksgiving:
1) got to know P'Apple and Parn. they're such wonderful people! both their testimonies of salvation made me tear... praise God for the blessed opportunity to get to know the both of them. only God can take credit for such inspirational changes in their lives.
2) wonderful place of camp... it was the perfect sort of weather for my kinda holiday. you literally had the clouds surround you on some days. and the scenery is just so beautiful way up on the cable car. had fun with mag and jas taking pics while we were up there :)
3) it was a time away from family, not that i wanted it... but i felt like i needed it too. 2nd year in a row that i went by myself. love feeling independent. on a lighter note, i got to focus on deepening relationships with people (mostly uncles and aunties) i barely get to meet or talk to who're from church- like Bro Nat & Sis Pat, Uncle Roy, Aunty Jenny... etc. i really appreciate their love and little actions that show they care and want to share something with you when you least expect it (even if it comes in the form of lame jokes...)
4) the messages were short and sweet, and i didn't fall asleep! these are the thoughts i've penned down...

REFLECTIONS AND LESSONS:

+ "to know the will of God is the greatest knowledge. to do the will of God is the greatest achievement."- George Truett

+ finding my purpose in Christ should be my mission. sometimes we go after what we can't have because we can't face what we really want. finding out and knowing that Christ is able to fill that void in us will help us fulfil the ultimate goal He wants us to aim at and go for. there's no time to be wasted!!

+ am i a faithful steward as said in the verse-- "This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which have believed in God might be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable unto men."-Titus 3:8

+ Titus as a leader- he exhibited the qualities of a good leader who could motivate others. Application for today's leaders (Titus 1:4-16):
-A. Maturity Takes Effort
-B. Your Motives Must Be Pure
-C. Place Compassion and Concern for Those You Serve First
-D. Have a Positive Attitude
-E. Stand Firm for What Is Right (learn to disagree without being disagreeable)

+ Leadership is Influence. A Leader/Elder should be able to rule his own house and church. He doesn't gossip- doesn't lie when the truth does more damage. He does no harm to his own testimony. He doesn't stumble others. He always learns, and he has a servant's heart. (currently reading 3 books simultaneously- 'boundaries', 'the missionary call' and 'when you love too much'. sometimes being willing to change can be the first step to freedom and experiencing God's true blessings. realised not long ago that i've been hindering myself from these wonderful things by being stubborn to change. may i continue to keep my eyes on Him!)

+ we all leave footsteps that someone follows. even the most introverted person has a few thousand followers in his lifetime.

+ how much do I really care? how do I disagree without being disagreeable? do I help people realise their potential or do I do it all by myself?

+ one of the things Rev Dr Bob said that just stays in my mind- "go out there and make Jesus look good!"

+ grace doesn't end with salvation. it's much more!

+ how to live:
-A. Denying ungodliness and worldly lusts
-B. Living soberly, righteously and godly
-C. In this present world full of temptations
-D. Looking for the blessed hope

+ 'A good example preaches a powerful sermon.' versus 'the theological nit-picking that doens't edify others.' Q: what's our personal priority when we deal with people, and when we're in church?

------------------------------------------------------------

someone once told me when i was in doubt
to sit back and expect great things from God
and another told me when i was in pain
that we can only hope for better days
so i'm wondering now, if what they're saying is right
and if they make sense- to expect or hope?
for these different words carry the same uncertainty...
i'm weary now and begin to fall asleep
almost immediately i hear a voice speak to my soul
"how about prayer?", the voice explains,
"for our ungodly culture encourages us to merely think and dream,
making us forget what we can do instead."

i've been thinking about prayer. i awake and find myself contemplating sometimes about why i find it so hard to pray.

for the word prayer...
compared to the former 2...
that powerful word
means an act of obedience
and a sign of submission.

don't we expect God to show us sometimes when we're in doubt? and don't we hope for God to heal us when we're in pain? where's God in control in all of this?

i awaken the next morning
and i understand quite clearly...
i will not hold on to expectations
nor hope excessively without a basis.
we must also not limit God
and think of what we would prefer Him do.
for He always has much more- a better gift,
when He takes something away from you.

-inspiration taken from my study of Job chapters 1-3.

2010-06-03T20:13:00.002+08:00

it's been an enjoyable holiday so far, thank God!

i've officially lost track of time, but it's okay! i can afford to, now that i'm neither free labour like i was during last year's 8 month break nor am i working/studying. i'm such a pro slacker hahaha.

let me recount the number of things i remember doing these past 4 weeks:
1) going to wenxin's house
2) going swimming with nic
3) hanging out with church buddies
4) shopping with siblings
5) YAF retreat
6) making my atm card and banked in savings (YES, I FINALLY DID IT)
7) read 20 pages of a book (at least i started)
8) play piano and guitar till i get dizzy
9) prepared gifts for friends' birthday
10) cleaned house
11) learnt a couple of new songs from wenxin :):)
12) recorded one of my own
13) saved my computer in the nick of time by installing the anti-virus that was always there
14) gave the usual tuition
15) hung out, cycled with DG mates and church buddies

okay, that's all i can remember!

Currently reading a book i borrowed from Yvonne or from the missionary library, officially- 'The Missionary Call'. since i most certainly do not want my brain to degrade after 3 months, i shall do a review of what i've read...

what i took away from the first chapter:

1) 'the need' isn't synonymous to 'the call'.

2) 'Christ's Great Commission is for the church to be involved in reaching and teaching the nations. Every believer is to pray for the nations and support the cause of missions, but not every believer is called to leave his homeland and go overseas. Some will help send and support, and others will go and tell.'

3)'Our attitude when we approach the Lord should already be a settle determination to do His perfect will, whatever it may be. Our only desire should be to know clearly what it is. Thomas Hale wrote, "God's call doesn't register in a vacuum; only a person who is committed to doing God's will can receive a call."'

4) a very good question i should ask myself everyday to keep my dreams sane: "What is it that is not being done, that ought to be done, and if it were done, would result in greater glory to Christ and the advance of His kingdom?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 b cont.

this song brings back sec school memories. it's the theme song chosen for church camp this year. enjoyed playing it at home today, rethinking of God's faithfulness in my life so far. mom's coming home on saturday!!! it's double celebration! praise God for seeing her through 3 weeks of gruelling work away from sunny singapore and dusty dog-fur-covered home.

Find Us Faithful
By Steve Green

We're pilgrims on the journey
Of the narrow road
And those who've gone before us line the way
Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
Their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace

Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives

CHORUS:
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
And our children sift through all we've left behind
May the clues that they discover and the memories they uncover
Become the light that leads them to the road we each must find

CHORUS:
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

2010-05-22T23:02:00.002+08:00

1) praise God for His loving faithfulness towards my dear buddy Wen Xin! she officially graduated just this week! glad she made it well through her SATs too! it was really fun meeting up with my secondary school friends to catch up and reminisce on school life. it was so enjoyable laughing again and having girl talk like we used to in PL :) praise the Lord!!!

2) i'm so thankful that i'm not taking up a job during the holidays! just got my "assignments" from my very anxious mom who's overseas... mission impossibles are always possible for God to achieve!!! mustn't lose heart!

3) now that i'm freer and my mind's also freer to wander, i really need God's grace to do what's important and necessary. i have to be disciplined!!! as i observe the patterns of my spiritual walk, i can see that God really knows me. one thing He definitely knows is that fear motivates me. but i've been wondering if avoiding certain pains as a result of fear have its disadvantage? sometimes i feel like i'm "too safe". what am i really fearing- fearing God or the consequences? Lord, help me not to be too ambitious or get too caught up in my duties until i forget You... it's always a constant struggle whether i'm in or out of school...

4) was reading my prayer journal on the train. some of my past entries really encouraged me! thought i'd finally share this part of a song that i wrote while i was on the train last school semester.

----------------------------------------------
I am human,
unable to understand
the love You have for me
from beginning till the end.
I cannot count the days
I have wandered from Your side,
but You are always there-
a Shelter for me to hide.
----------------------------------------------

may this be a good reminder to myself this holidays not to forget God's love and grace to me if i ever am tempted to wander or stray again. God forbid that! there's no time to waste!!!

James 4:8- draw near to God and He'll draw near to you.

2010-05-16T01:00:00.003+08:00

(this short and simple post is dedicated to my dear beloved friend.)

as much as i do praise God for the day you chose to believe in Him, i thank you for teaching me today that we can believe in each other too. i thank Him that we're always learning from each other... you never fail to surprise me (pleasantly) through the things you share. you're one treasure i'll not take for granted! missing you though you're not gone yet... let's keep in close touch! :)

withdrawal symptoms

2010-05-11T01:20:00.004+08:00

this week alone, a total of 3 people officially "left" (me) temporarily- jaime (US), my sis (OBS) and Hui Qi (graduated). i miss them all now, maybe that's why i can't sleep.

praise God, ministry thanksgiving and commissioning of graduates went well today by God's grace! i am thankful to Him that it went smoothly and that the seniors enjoyed themselves. just got an sms from HuiQi telling me how blessed she felt by the gifts and the fellowship. i'm so joyful that we were all blessed this morning! was quite worried before this event, and especially so even before i agreed to be coordinator (as you can read the not so long ago 'complain' post). today i learnt that the words 'do not fear' appear in the bible 365 times. like Li Ting said, God gave us one enough for each day... sufficient :) no fear, no matter the circumstance!

more importantly, i'm going to miss Hui Qi. i thank God for her... she's been my discipler since last year when i first entered uni last year. if not for her and how she's inspired me and encouraged me, i will have no idea what kinds of attitudes on life i would be carrying today. thank God for seniors that God has put in my life. i always learn from their example. oh man can feel the floodgates open...

praying i'll spend my holidays meaningfully. there's unfinished business to deal with. time to finish up my unfinished precept homework too...

freedom! (not)

2010-05-07T02:12:00.003+08:00

praise God!!! papers are finally OVER! thank God for seeing me through my papers. results are in His hands. had so much fun after the paper till 11 plus. never felt so relaxed. never knew you could do so much in 4 hours! super fun therefore i am high now.

been restless especially during the last day of preparation for exams. it's been so hard to keep still. really missed my piano and guitar. this calls for some major solo jamming time during the holidays!!! should i continue to dream about music???

not forgetting... i've a few goals in mind for the next 3 months. by God's grace, i'll accomplish them and learn a few more useful stuff! may this be a meaningful upcoming holiday that's spent well. :)

outings (and an event) and more outings till tuesday! fully packed. must start filling up my calendar with things to do, (places to stay) and people to meet already! there's just so much i want to do!

(it's untrue that the people you love won't leave you alone every once in a while. like my friend told me once, sometimes they do know better. it helps to be patient when we refuse to admit that we don't know everything.)

i hope the holidays won't pull me astray. will resume precept bible study! been away for too long.

i realise how random my paragraphs are... it's 2.30am, so that explains it! alright enough getting sucked into my post-exam joy. time to get sucked into my bed. will update on devotions soon!

2010-05-04T11:32:00.003+08:00

my sm once asked me to come up with a relation between fear and faith. being the math student i am, i suggested an inverse relation.

[fear = k/faith, where k is constant.]

very scary, but recent lessons i've learnt were very applicable for me last week especially... and i thought i'd share my devotion material. i've come to realise that i'm a person of many fears... fears mostly of what i cannot see. i realised this morning when i woke up that i haven't told God exactly what sorta things i'm afraid of (even though i know He knows already). but i did it anyway and hence i decided to blog. so, according to the above relation, i am actually also a person of little faith.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(this is just an excerpt taken from John MacArthur's 'Daily readings from the life of Christ, Vol 2'.)

John 6:5-7
When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?

And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do.

Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little.

Today's passage reveals in more detail how faithless 2 of the disciples were toward meeting a practical need. Philip and Andrew focused only on human solutions to the food necessity for 5000(Matt 14:15).

The Lord, however, would demonstrate a very different solution. First He asked Philip, "Where are we to buy bread, so that these may eat?" Jesus already knew what Philip was thinking. He didn't need his input to develop a feeding plan. By asking, Jesus simply articulated the impossibility of their finding any place to obtain enough food for the people.

Further, Jesus' question really had nothing to do with the specifics of buying bread. As He occasionally does with us, Jesus presented a dilemma so He could test and strengthen the apostles' faith.

Ask yourself:-- Can you look back at a recent event (or perhaps a presently occuring one) and see that what appeared to be just a hard problem may very well have been a test from your Father, trying to mature and develop your faith? How can we make the most of these opportunities?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i had this question in my head for the longest time... ever since someone from my family told me to 'believe in myself'. how do you believe in yourself and not stop believing in God? i still don't know how to answer it, but i had the impression that believing in God means you stop believing in yourself. i'm not sure how right or wrong that sounds... cuz where would your self-esteem come from if you didn't 'believe in yourself'?

okay anyway, yesterday's question was also on John 6. it really spoke to me.

Ask yourself:-- Have you experienced a time when you settled for less from God, not stepping back to consider that He might have more to accomplish through you than seemed practical or most obvious? What have been some of the biggest costs from living inside the safe and the known?

i was sharing with a friend a few days ago that i didn't believe in miracles. that affected my prayer. in that, most of my prayers were pretty 'safe' and not like those prayers you'd expect God to answer mightily to you...

i've been 'playing safe' in reality as much as in prayer too. and this was the question that was asked just last week.

Ask yourself:-- Sometimes we overcompensate in reaction to life's heaviness by drowning ourselves in escapes, avoiding having to think about our own or others' pain. Could it be possible, in trying to keep ourselves upbeat, we lose some of the joy that comes from letting God dry our tears?

so (by induction), i think i can say that God wants to teach me something... i think He wants me to learn to trust Him more, and at least trust my instincts less... how? i don't know. but that's the whole point in trusting right? i don't know exactly how He's going to help me, but i'll just do my best... by not doing what i think is best(oh man this is complicated). and not that i'll purposely get myself into trouble, but to be open to what God wants me to see.

anyway i hope others reading will get something out of the bold and italicised self-reflection questions. :) they aren't something i've seen before that's made me think so much. may God speak to us in His own special way everyday.

alright! time to get back to study. last paper on theatre this thurs. must switch to literature mode! the past year papers look scary!!! okay rach, must trust God trust God trust God! all the slacking these past few days has made my brain deflate in content... 2 days should be sufficient to get it back in shape!!

15 days left- this marks the hiatus!

2010-04-12T01:10:00.004+08:00

all my anxieties
all my fears
i'm leaving it there
Your grace is sufficient for me!

few things have changed this past week. some things are going to change this week. i'm going to make better decisions, respond in the right way and be more responsible for what i say and do. the strength i have to do those things won't come from me. it has to come from Him.

God help me to do what i should! so that i won't say "i could have.." when it's already too late.

2010-04-08T00:45:00.003+08:00

20 days to go... before the exam hurricane reaches me, spins me around and vomits me when all my brain juices finally run out. official hiatus starts after this post!

when april started (actually before it even began) i was preparing to apologise to many many people for having to be MIA from certain responsibilities [esp from YF... :(] because it's gotta be serious isolation period for me. how i wish singapore were as small as we describe. this week so far's been crazy. 5 days in all, morning till evening in school. worst part is, i'm not doing anything related to my major half the time. it's the first time i feel really guilty and lovesick towards math. anyway thank God for His great plan and timing. He allowed some unexpected things to happen in school this week that turned out to be to my theatre group's advantage as well as mine.

just when i thought my day of stress was over, i got a second call (continued from a recent conversation) asking me (again) to be coordinator for ccc's ministry thanksgiving event. i knew i was going to be persuaded till i said yes. and therefore please kill me, because- i said yes. i know my mood's going to change drastically after this, not because i really didn't want to do it and am forced to... but because i have to delegate duties to people (whom i selfishly assume) as busy and as reluctant as me. i know i don't have an obligation to make this the best event ever because it's so last minute anyway. (ignore my ranting, i'm just trying to console myself...)

don't worry, i'll be keeping my EQ (whatever that's left of it) and will remain in my relatively calm mood so i'm still approachable and contactable...

on a more serious note, this week really passed so fast i barely had time to think. travelling time seems to have shortened due to the increased amount of time spent half-sleeping and staring on the train. i really miss my mom (again)... heard from dad she got lost in Japan on the first day she got there. thank God she met another singaporean who guided her to her hotel. knowing her and having her panic genes, getting lost in a big city's the last thing she would want. thank God for answering her prayers and ours for her safety there and for wisdom and guidance... dad's going to batam tomorrow (thank God only for a day or i'll have to be a parent), so that applies to him too. so without having much time to think, all i have are feeds and smses i get from my friends daily. the following prayer is one that i copied in my diary and it's stuck in my head even as i reflect on my current struggle and frustration.

Nic sent this really meaningful prayer last week...

"If we must endure many poverties
and miseries in this world,
let them not turn us to wickedness
and make us to decline from the right path;
but may everyone here
resist both himself
as also all his desires,
and all his passions;
and that we may serve our God in such sort,
that if it will please Him to prove our patience
in leaving us destitute of means,
and of the commodities of this world:
may we bear all with quiet and peaceable courage,
until we be received into this blessed inheritance
where we shall have the fullness and joy and happiness."

ultimately, God doesn't really care how much you do, and only cares about how you do it...

like my handphone welcome note says:

Acknowledge God in every big or little thing.

i'll trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. i know He'll direct my paths as long as i acknowledge Him in all my ways.

so God, please help me as i do my best.